Episode Details
Back to EpisodesThe Lost Cause Comedy Vault Vol. I EP. 11 - "I'm Telling!" - Stand-Up Comedy
Published 2 weeks, 2 days ago
Description
EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET - NIGHT
VOICE 1 (O.S.)Oh shit, this nigga’s walkin’ on taxis! Somebody get ‘em.
VOICE 2 (O.S.)...but they’re ’90s taxis... They might even be older.
VOICE 1 (O.S.)Ohhhhhhh shit. New promos. Whaaaaaat’s this?!
VOICE 2 (O.S.)Damn, Jake from State Farm—you really went and fucked up this time.
VOICE 1 (O.S.)Don’t I know it.
BLŪ (V.O.)I need a new tourmaline.
CC (V.O.)As if the one I’m wearing around my neck isn’t enough?
BLŪ (V.O.)It’s not.He’s got...20 numbers in his phone book,20 numbers on speed dial,20 numbers in his pocket, look,20 more, if you play your cards right.He’s going hog wild,All in.Hot wife and a hot rod,Long pole with a Jolly Roger on it,Not a long story.She’s a hot mess,He’s a coldmotherfucker,And she’s all dressed,waiting by the door for an Acura.Flawless,’Cause that’s what he ordered;Someone saw it coming,Counting the losses—Setting off alarms,And calling the stockbroker on him.Just a warning for the heartless:You ought to get warmer somewhereBy the closure of this story.Open the portal.
INT. BROADCAST FACILITY / PORTAL CHAMBER - CONTINUOUS
JIMMY KIMMELGET IN, STEPHEN.
STEPHEN COLBERTNO.
JIMMY KIMMELGET—IN—THE PORTAL.
STEPHEN COLBERTNO. I’M NOT GOING.
JOHN OLIVER is smoking a cigar in the corner, not helping at all as the other hosts, SETH MEYERS, JIMMY KIMMEL, and JIMMY FALLON fight fellow former host STEPHEN COLBERT as he claws himself out of the portal; as much manpower as it takes to keep him in, it seems to take a lot more getting out.
JOHN OLIVEROh, you’re going, all right...
He puts out his cigar in a silver ashtray, then walks over to the LAUNCHPAD and opens up the HATCH, before pressing down intently on a RED BUTTON, which, in a plume of GREEN LIGHT, instantly activates the portal, sucking STEPHEN COLBERT clean in, feet first and arms reeling as he screams—
STEPHEN COLBERTNOOOOOOOOOOO—GODDAMMIT!!!
KIMMEL and SETH MEYERS jump back to save themselves from the strong force of the open portal; however, JIMMY FALLON—who was in charge of the legs—has been unforgivingly warped into the portal behind STEPHEN, exclaiming nothing at all, because his dialogue costs too much.
JIMMY KIMMELOh, shit.
JOHN OLIVER"Oh shit," indeed.
JIMMY KIMMELWell, that wasn’t the plan.
SETH MEYERS...I wouldn’t worry about it.
JIMMY KIMMELI’m not worried, per se. I just—
JIMMY FALLON walks in normally through the door.
JOHN OLIVEROkay?
JIMMY FALLONWhat’d I miss?
JOHN OLIVERNothing, apparently.
SETH MEYERS👀 I told you.
JIMMY KIMMELSo apparently, you’re the only one who figured out how to get out of one of these things?
SETH MEYERS👀 I told you.
JIMMY FALLONOh, what, this?
He deactivates the portal using an off-switch located at the bottom of the portal. It suddenly shuts off. They stare at him in disbelief.
JIMMY FALLON (CONT'D)You gotta turn it off when you’re finished; it’s burning a lot of electricity.
JIMMY KIMMEL(squinty)...Yeah, okay.
JOHN OLIVERI've had exactly enough.
JIMMY KIMMELYeah, I’m going to bed. I’m
VOICE 1 (O.S.)Oh shit, this nigga’s walkin’ on taxis! Somebody get ‘em.
VOICE 2 (O.S.)...but they’re ’90s taxis... They might even be older.
VOICE 1 (O.S.)Ohhhhhhh shit. New promos. Whaaaaaat’s this?!
VOICE 2 (O.S.)Damn, Jake from State Farm—you really went and fucked up this time.
VOICE 1 (O.S.)Don’t I know it.
BLŪ (V.O.)I need a new tourmaline.
CC (V.O.)As if the one I’m wearing around my neck isn’t enough?
BLŪ (V.O.)It’s not.He’s got...20 numbers in his phone book,20 numbers on speed dial,20 numbers in his pocket, look,20 more, if you play your cards right.He’s going hog wild,All in.Hot wife and a hot rod,Long pole with a Jolly Roger on it,Not a long story.She’s a hot mess,He’s a coldmotherfucker,And she’s all dressed,waiting by the door for an Acura.Flawless,’Cause that’s what he ordered;Someone saw it coming,Counting the losses—Setting off alarms,And calling the stockbroker on him.Just a warning for the heartless:You ought to get warmer somewhereBy the closure of this story.Open the portal.
INT. BROADCAST FACILITY / PORTAL CHAMBER - CONTINUOUS
JIMMY KIMMELGET IN, STEPHEN.
STEPHEN COLBERTNO.
JIMMY KIMMELGET—IN—THE PORTAL.
STEPHEN COLBERTNO. I’M NOT GOING.
JOHN OLIVER is smoking a cigar in the corner, not helping at all as the other hosts, SETH MEYERS, JIMMY KIMMEL, and JIMMY FALLON fight fellow former host STEPHEN COLBERT as he claws himself out of the portal; as much manpower as it takes to keep him in, it seems to take a lot more getting out.
JOHN OLIVEROh, you’re going, all right...
He puts out his cigar in a silver ashtray, then walks over to the LAUNCHPAD and opens up the HATCH, before pressing down intently on a RED BUTTON, which, in a plume of GREEN LIGHT, instantly activates the portal, sucking STEPHEN COLBERT clean in, feet first and arms reeling as he screams—
STEPHEN COLBERTNOOOOOOOOOOO—GODDAMMIT!!!
KIMMEL and SETH MEYERS jump back to save themselves from the strong force of the open portal; however, JIMMY FALLON—who was in charge of the legs—has been unforgivingly warped into the portal behind STEPHEN, exclaiming nothing at all, because his dialogue costs too much.
JIMMY KIMMELOh, shit.
JOHN OLIVER"Oh shit," indeed.
JIMMY KIMMELWell, that wasn’t the plan.
SETH MEYERS...I wouldn’t worry about it.
JIMMY KIMMELI’m not worried, per se. I just—
JIMMY FALLON walks in normally through the door.
JOHN OLIVEROkay?
JIMMY FALLONWhat’d I miss?
JOHN OLIVERNothing, apparently.
SETH MEYERS👀 I told you.
JIMMY KIMMELSo apparently, you’re the only one who figured out how to get out of one of these things?
SETH MEYERS👀 I told you.
JIMMY FALLONOh, what, this?
He deactivates the portal using an off-switch located at the bottom of the portal. It suddenly shuts off. They stare at him in disbelief.
JIMMY FALLON (CONT'D)You gotta turn it off when you’re finished; it’s burning a lot of electricity.
JIMMY KIMMEL(squinty)...Yeah, okay.
JOHN OLIVERI've had exactly enough.
JIMMY KIMMELYeah, I’m going to bed. I’m