Episode Details

How do you grieve a childhood you never had? If you grew up with childhood emotional neglect, you may have heard that grief is part of complex trauma recovery and still have no idea what you're supposed to be grieving, or what that grief is supposed to feel like.

This episode is built around a listener's question. She grew up without much affection, remembers wanting it, and came to believe that needing it meant she wasn't growing up properly. Decades later, she's wondering whether she has anything to grieve, and whether feeling sad about it is selfish.

We talk through how the grief of emotional neglect works when nothing specific "happened," why you often only recognize the loss through contrast, and why receiving care now can sometimes make you feel worse before it feels better.

In this episode:

• Why the grief of childhood emotional neglect is hard to locate, and how a point of comparison can suddenly make it visible
• What you're actually grieving when you never had the thing
• Why grief can feel like self-pity, and what "my childhood was good overall" might be protecting you from
• What this grief can look like, including anger, envy, numbness, disbelief, and trying harder with the parent you still have
• Why a partner's hug or a therapist's kindness can make your body brace, and how to read that response
• Memory reconsolidation, and how receiving care now may update old emotional learning
• Why you don't have to go looking for grief or perform it correctly
• What grieving can look like in actual life, without turning it into a checklist
• Whether accepting a parent's limitations means giving up on the relationship
• When grief gets too big, and what to bring to your therapist

This episode is sponsored by Cozy Earth! I’m so excited to have them supporting The Complex Trauma Podcast. Head to Cozy Earth and use code RECLAIM for 20% off your order.

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This podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended as a substitute for professional medical, psychological, or nutritional advice, diagnosis, or treatment.

Remember, I'm a therapist, but I'm not your therapist. Nothing in this podcast is meant to replace actual therapy or treatment. If you're in crisis or things feel really unsafe right now, please reach out to someone. You can call 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, text them, or head to your nearest ER.

The views expressed by the host and guests are their own and do not represent the opinions of any organizations or institutions. Reliance on any information provided by this podcast is solely at your own risk.