Episode Details

Coercive control doesn't bruise. It doesn't photograph. It doesn't trigger emergency calls or leave marks on the world that the world can see. It operates through erosion. So gradual that the person living inside it often does not recognise what is happening until they have lost themselves entirely.

 Christine Dillard lived inside that erosion for seventeen years. She was a Fortune 500 director. A single mother of two. The woman everyone at work knew as strong, capable and unshakeable.

 Behind closed doors she was bracing every time she heard the garage door. She had forgotten her favourite dinner, her favourite film, her favourite colour. Her body was carrying the truth in inflammation, insomnia, a racing heart and high blood pressure, years before her mind was ready to hear it.

 She had no idea there had been four separate incidents in the car, not one. Her brain had protected her from remembering them all.

 This conversation is about what coercive control actually looks and feels like from the inside. About why staying made sense. About what it cost her to leave and what she found on the other side. And about her daughter who described her in one word two years after leaving. Tranquil.

 This episode was recorded earlier this year. I am re-releasing it today because some stories deserve more than one audience. And because somewhere someone is listening who needs to hear it for the very first time.

 Content note: this episode contains discussion of coercive control, domestic abuse and threats within a long-term relationship.

 HELPLINES  |  Include given content

UK  |  National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 2000 247  |  nationaldahelpline.org.uk  |  Free, 24 hours

UK  |  Women's Aid: 0808 2000 247  |  womensaid.org.uk

UK  |  Samaritans: 116 123

US  |  National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233  |  thehotline.org

US  |  988 Lifeline: call or text 988

KEY TAKEAWAYS 

Abuse Isn't Always Physical: Coercive control operates through the slow, subtle erosion of a person's identity and autonomy. It is often maintained through micro-moments and subtle manipulations rather than explosive, visible events.

The Body Keeps the Score: Psychological and emotional abuse can manifest in severe physical symptoms. Christine experienced autoimmune issues, high blood pressure, racing heart rates, sweating, and chronic insomnia as a direct result of her environment.

The Power of a "Tone": For victims of coercive control, a simple shift in their abuser's tone of voice can trigger a full-body trauma response. The body shuts down into a state of "fight, flight, or freeze," even if outsiders cannot perceive the threat.

Strategic Exits are Crucial: Leaving a controlling relationship safely often requires careful, covert planning. Christine executed a three-year exit strategy to secure her finances, arrange housing, and ensure her children reached an age where custody dynamics would be safer.

Trust Your Body's Signals: When your mind tries to gaslight you into believing "it's not that bad," your body will tell you the truth. Healing begins the moment you stop ignoring your own physical and emotional distress signals and seek confidential support.

BEST MOMENTS

"I didn't realize how much I had not even changed, I just was a shell of the person that I was 17 years, 18 years prior."

"My brain was protecting me by not allowing me to remember all of those things... your body is protecting you. It’s allowing you to survive in the situation you’re in."

"You hear a tone and you