Episode Details

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Are your boundaries keeping you safe, or keeping you stuck? I have never liked the word. This week a reader called Katherine gave me a better one: gates, not thorns.

I have carers in my life 24 hours a day, so I could not build walls even if I wanted to. I had to grow the strength to let the world in instead, and that is where I stand on boundaries. A red line between two people is healthy. It is an agreement, not a wall. A rulebook the whole world has to obey is not, and the old Buddhist texts do not even have a word for it. What they have is sila, your own conduct. Rules for you, and nobody else. A boundary that never comes down was never protection. It becomes a prison.

One thing to try: Next time you go to defend something, ask one question. Is this a gate or a thorn? Protecting something tender until it is stronger is fine. Refusing the world is not.

In this episode

• (0:32) Katherine's email: a garden, not thorny bushes
• (1:44) Come, even if you have broken your vow a thousand times
• (3:35) Carers in my life 24 hours a day
• (6:16) If you want to learn calm, spend time with your family
• (7:11) A healthy boundary: not my best today, so I close the gate
• (8:13) Red lines between two people are different
• (12:00) The Buddhists had no word for boundaries. They had sila
• (15:26) Life will not honour your bubble
• (16:21) A boundary that never comes down becomes a prison
• (17:44) Where in your life has a wall quietly become a prison?

With gratitude to

Cheryl, Susan, Jane, Ankita, Dan, Cassie, Melanie, Joan and Reishin

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Thank you for listening.

Steven

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