Episode Details

These Summer messages are re-broadcasts from our most popular, relevant, and helpful messages that are worth listening to again to stay focused and strong over the Summer as you continue fighting Every Man’s Battle.📻 START YOUR WEEK WITH HOPE ON 𝙀𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮 𝙈𝙖𝙣’𝙨 𝘽𝙖𝙩𝙩𝙡𝙚 𝙋𝙤𝙙𝙘𝙖𝙨𝙩Recording from the Intimacy in Marriage Workshop, licensed counselors JJ West and Doug Barnes continue their conversation on acting in, the quieter counterpart to acting out. In Part 2, they move from definition to application—exploring why acting in matters even if a man has stopped acting out, how it often grows out of childhood trauma responses, and what it looks like to move toward safe, honest, connected relationships instead of isolation and passivity.​In this episode, they:Review acting in as a survival response that pushes people away to avoid shame, fear, and perceived danger.Explain why stopping porn or affairs is not enough if a man keeps hiding emotionally.Offer practical steps for taking small relational risks, finding safe people, and building the kind of community that sustains long‑term sexual integrity.​☎️ 𝐄𝐏𝐈𝐒𝐎𝐃𝐄 𝐓𝐎𝐏𝐈𝐂𝐒 𝐃𝐈𝐒𝐂𝐔𝐒𝐒𝐈𝐎𝐍:“Why does it matter if I’m acting in if I’ve already stopped acting out?”JJ and Doug address the honest question many men have: “Isn’t it enough that I’m not looking at porn or going to massage parlors anymore?” They explain that authentic recovery has two parts—behavioral sobriety (not acting out) and relational/emotional recovery (learning to connect with God, self, and others). If a man stops acting out but keeps acting in through withdrawal, anger, passivity, or overwork, he remains disconnected and highly vulnerable to relapse or substitute addictions.​“How is acting in a trauma response?”They describe acting in as a protective survival strategy often formed early in life—sometimes in critical homes, sometimes through coaches, teachers, or circumstances that taught a child, “It’s safer to be small, silent, or invisible.” A situation that looks minor to an adult can feel massive to a 5‑ or 9‑year‑old, whose entire world is that classroom, family, or team. Over time, the child learns that staying hidden or compliant feels safer than being seen, challenged, or exposed, and carries this into adulthood as automatic acting‑in behavior.​“What happens internally when I stop acting out but keep acting in?”Doug notes that stopping acting out allows previously numbed emotions—shame, fear, inadequacy—to “bubble up,” raising a man’s internal emotional temperature. Without porn, affairs, or other escapes, he feels the discomfort more intensely, and his brain reflexively reaches for familiar acting‑in patterns like stonewalling, lying, blaming, isolating, or passivity to turn the heat down. If he doesn’t grow in emotional awareness and connection, acting in becomes the new way he medicates his pain until, eventually, sexual acting out often returns.​“What does acting in look like beyond obvious withdrawal?”Beyond classic hiding in the garage or working late, they highlight subtler forms of acting in:Passivity when there is relational risk (“If I don’t say anything, I can’t fail or disappoint”).Getting critical or picking fights to push a spouse away into a familiar script.Over‑serving at work or church to feel safe and in control while avoiding deeper conversations.These behaviors can look “responsible” or “spiritual” on the surface, but are often driven by fear of rejection or exposure underneath.​“How long does it usually take to move from reaction to response?”Drawing from their recovery work, JJ and Doug explain that early on a man only notices acting in after the fact (“I blew up” or “I disappeared again”). With consistent work in recovery groups, counseling, and community, he gradually begins noticing acting‑in impulses while they happen, and eventually learns to anticipate them before high‑risk situations. For many men who engage the process, this shift in awareness and ch