Episode Details

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Progressives have discovered the real problem with the AMBER Alert: Amber.

In this Satire Saturday episode, an entirely imaginary government committee reviews the alert system—not to determine whether it works, but whether its language is harmful.

“Kidnapped” assigns blame. “Girl” assumes gender. “Blue Honda” imposes your perception onto the vehicle. The abductor becomes an “unlicensed transportation provider,” the missing child becomes a “participant with incompletely documented enthusiasm,” and her photograph is replaced by an inclusive gray oval.

Then the committee unveils its replacement:

PAT — Person Absent Temporarily.

Unfortunately, nobody says the acronym aloud until after the letterhead, training materials, awards and lanyards have already been printed.

And then someone remembers Pat from Saturday Night Live.

HIGHLIGHTS

• Why Amber fails the government’s cultural vibe check
• “They didn’t fight the kidnapping. They fought the noun.”
• The unlicensed transportation provider—an Uber with a warrant
• “Not every missing person identifies as found”
• How the missing child becomes a gray oval
• PAT meets Pat from Saturday Night Live
• The emergency alert that reads, “Someone may be somewhere with somebody in something”
• How PAT becomes PA—and then simply P
• The language police finally arrest themselves

This episode is satire. The committee, report and PAT proposal are fictional. Amber Hagerman—and the emergency alert system created in her memory—were real.

CHAPTERS

00:00 AMBER Is Now “Problematic”
01:57 When Emergency Language Becomes Useless
08:20 The Language Police Arrest Themselves

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00:00 AMBER Is Now “Problematic”
01:57 When Emergency Language Becomes Useless
08:20 The Language Police Arrest Themselves