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They didn't make a mistake.

A mistake is grabbing the wrong bag at baggage claim. A mistake is an accident you didn't choose.

What happened to you was a choice. They knew. And calling it a mistake is just a softer word for something that isn't soft at all.

So the anger makes sense. The urge to make them feel a fraction of what you're feeling makes sense.

Which brings us to the actual question.

How do you punish a spouse who cheated?

There are four doors. Body, mind, heart, and soul. Physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual. And three that people walk through most often: their money, their reputation, and their kids.

Here's the part that gets left out.

They all work.

You really can make their life miserable. You can keep them guilty for thirty years. You can call the boss. You can tell the church. You can make the children choose.

The problem isn't that punishment fails.

The problem is what it costs the person doing it.

Destroy them financially and you may be destroying money you need. Destroy their reputation and you hand your own name to the same gossip. Keep them anxious and guilty and you have to stay in that room with them to do it. And parental alienation isn't protection for your kids. It's your pain, routed through them.

You have every right to punish them.

The question is what it turns you into, and whether that's the person you want to be five years from now.

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