Episode Details

This episode of The Noon Hour of Madness and Mayhem begins with the hosts apparently deciding that the safest possible way to spend a Thursday afternoon is to immediately introduce questionable beverages, sleep deprivation, and a philosophical investigation into the invention of the door lock. Peaches is behind the wheel of the show and announces that he is going to crack open a “dirty dude,” only to be corrected that what he actually has is a Voodoo IPA, while Victor has apparently escalated directly to moonshine because apparently there is no middle ground anymore. Then, without warning, the conversation becomes a desperately needed public-service announcement about bathroom etiquette: if you enter a single-use public restroom and the door has a lock, lock the damn door. This seemingly simple concept has apparently become too complicated for society, because Peaches recounts attempting to open a bathroom door only to have it swing halfway open before a man who is described as looking like “Duck Dynasty Santa” angrily shuts it in his face and hits him with an offended “excuse me.” The situation then spirals into an imaginary courtroom drama in which Peaches worries that the man is going to tell everyone at the bar that some enormous idiot tried to invade his restroom sanctuary, while Peaches considers blaming a tiny guy for the whole thing just to avoid being identified as the bathroom criminal. All of this happens while the crew is attempting to play trivia, meaning the intellectual competition has apparently been reduced to watching grown adults nearly ignite a bar-wide diplomatic incident over a bathroom door.

From there, the episode somehow turns into an assessment of the maturity level of the people involved, with Peaches and Becca being compared to two five-year-olds who need to be kept on leashes. This leads directly into memories of the Papa Roach concert and an alarming story about Becca wandering down a back alley that looked suspiciously like the setting of a true-crime documentary. Suddenly, the conversation goes from “please lock the bathroom door” to a story about a horrific crime involving a teenager, a body, DNA evidence, and a case that reportedly took roughly three decades to solve. The horrifying concept of somebody believing they successfully escaped justice as a teenager only to have police show up at their door thirty years later becomes the subject of discussion, followed by another disturbing story about police arriving at a mother's house and casually informing her that her daughter needs to be arrested because there is supposedly a body in the garage. Somehow this becomes a conversation about Peaches' own childhood crimes, which apparently consisted of such terrifying acts as popping a soccer ball and stealing a football from neighborhood children. This is contrasted with the hypothetical image of Peaches standing outside wearing a bloody apron and waving a kitchen knife, prompting the immediate realization that this would probably result in either arrest or being shot. The official Idaho survival philosophy is then summarized with the terrifyingly concise phrase: “Idaho shoots back.”

Then comes perhaps the most important journalistic investigation of the entire episode: Is Viktor secretly Beef Dog 69XXL? Peaches announces that he has discovered Viktor's alleged burner Reddit account, a username so aggressively ridiculous that everyone immediately agrees it sounds like something Viktor would have invented as a teenager for an Xbox gamer tag. The Reddit post in question argues that anyone who hates cats for no reason is automatically a bad person, which leads the hosts into an unexpectedly serious investigation of whether disliking cats is morally suspicious. Victor argues that there are at least legitimate reasons for being uncomfortable with certain animals, particularly hairless cats and snakes, while Peaches wonders what purpose rattlesnake