Episode Details

Welcome to the Leading Edge in Emotionally Focused Therapy, hosted by Drs. James Hawkins, Ph.D., LPC, and Ryan Rana, Ph.D., LMFT, LPC—Renowned ICEEFT Therapists, Supervisors, and Trainers. We're thrilled to have you with us. We believe this podcast, a valuable resource, will empower you to push the boundaries in your work, helping individuals and couples connect more deeply with themselves and each other.

In this episode of The Leading Edge in EFT, James Hawkins and Ryan Reyna tackle one of the trickiest tensions in therapy: how to work with distortion and meaning-making without gaslighting your client—especially tender pursuers and highly protected withdrawers.

Using a vivid “watermelon vs. hot sauce” metaphor, they unpack what happens when one partner intends care, but the other receives danger. They explore why the brain distorts on purpose in the name of survival, how to keep honoring the client’s emotional reality, and how to redirect blame away from partners and back to the negative cycle as the true enemy.

You’ll hear a powerful reframe that replaces the potentially invalidating, “What’s the story you’re telling yourself?” with a cleaner, safer question:

“When you see Trigger X, what message does the cycle send to you about how your partner sees you?”

James and Ryan apply this lens not just to couples, but also to race, marginalization, and societal conversations, illustrating how attempts to “correct the facts” can land as gaslighting when bodies are carrying generations of threat. They share moving examples of Stage 2 and Stage 3 work where partners begin catching and correcting the cycle on their own—creating “cycle killer” moments that change everything.

If you’re an EFT therapist, trauma-informed clinician, or a partner trying to understand your own reactions, this episode will help you honor emotion, respect meaning-making, and still gently face distortion—without shaming or silencing anyone.

• “Distortion” in EFT ≠ Fake or Irrational Emotion

  • Emotions are never irrational; they always make sense in context.
  • What may be “distorted” is the meaning-making or thinking, not the feeling.

• Watermelon vs. Hot Sauce Metaphor

  • One partner offers something meant to be sweet and refreshing (watermelon).
  • The other experiences it as danger or attack (hot sauce).
  • This gap often comes from old injuries, expectations of being hurt, and the cycle, not badness in either partner.

• Why “What’s the Story You Tell Yourself?” Can Feel Like Gaslighting

  • Although poetic, it can land as, “This is just in your head; you’re making it up.”
  • For pursuers especially, this repeats a long history of being told they’re “too much” or “misreading reality.”

• A Safer, Cleaner Clinical Question

  • Instead of: “What’s the story you’re telling yourself?”
  • Use:

    “When you see Trigger X, what message does the cycle send to you about how your partner sees you?”

  • This question:
    • Honors the client’s internal world and logic.
    • Externalizes the problem to the cycle, not the partner.
    • Protects both partners from blame and shame.

• The Cycle as the Real Distorter

  • The negative cycle becomes the “third entity” that scrambles messages.
  • Seeing the cycle as the enemy helps the therapist stay out of the triangle and helps partners fight the cycle, not each other.

• Expected Pain Is Real Pain (Jim Coan’s Research)

  • The brain responds to anticipated threat almost as if it already happened.
  • So even if words are technically “distorted,” the body’s reaction is real and valid.
  • The limbic system amplifies signals to protect, not to be dr