Episode Details

Is it better to be in a relationship where you're constantly contorting yourself to avoid saying "no," or one where your partner can't say "no" at all?

Trick question. The answer is neither.

In this episode of Do As We Say, Not As They Did, Harris O'Malley and Dr. Liz Powell are joined by author, educator, and longtime member of Philadelphia's polyamory community, Kevin Patterson. They read two stories that seem completely unrelated, but share the same uncomfortable truth: relationships stop being healthy when someone else's autonomy disappears.

First, they dive into a spectacularly tangled Reddit post where a Dungeons and Dragons group has become a web of people-pleasing, poor communication, and emotional control. Then they discuss a Wired profile of Mystery (a pickup artist who rose to fame in the early 2000s) and his new AI girlfriend, exploring what it means to build intimacy with a partner who can never truly disagree.

Prepare yourself for:

• Harris' 15 minutes of reality TV fame?!?!

• The D&D to poly pipeline

• How control can come from someone who acts like the victim

• The appeal (and danger) of a frictionless or only friction relationship

• The rise and fall of the early 2000s pickup scene

• Building an AI to train people into being better

• Healthy boundaries require honest "yes's" and "no's"

From people-pleasing and emotional control to AI companions designed to agree with you, get ready for insightful takes about building healthy relationships that have boundaries, mutual respect, and a willingness to hear (and say) "no."

Who Is Kevin Patterson?

Kevin Patterson is a member of the Philadelphia polyamory community. He's been practicing ethical nonmonogamy since August of 2002 after opening up a relationship that eventually became his marriage.

Kevin's work focused on polyamorous representation, leading to a blog project, Poly Role Models, the award-winning non-fiction book, Love's Not Color Blind: Race and Representation in Polyamorous and Other Alternative Communities, and, along with co-writer Alana Phelan, a sci-fi novel series, For Hire, which centers characters of color as well as other marginalized identities.

You can find Kevin at:

• Website: https://www.kevinapatterson.com/

• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/polyrolemodels

• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/polyrolemodels/

• Twitter: https://x.com/PolyRoleModels

• Tumblr: https://polyrolemodels.tumblr.com/

Time Stamps

00:00 - Welcome and meet Kevin Patterson

02:54 - Books by Kevin Patterson and why representation matters

05:12 - r/RelationshipProblems: a polyamorous D&D disaster

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