Episode Details

If you’re struggling as you learn how to stop taking your child’s behaviour personally, girlfriend, I get you! That feeling — that your child is doing something to you — is an easy one to fall into. Not just being difficult, but somehow, specifically, deliberately difficult, aimed at you. You’ve had the thought before, even if you didn’t say it out loud: why does he do this to me?

First of all, I want to admit, I have most definitely been there. But I want to offer you a different question to reframe that. Not because your frustration isn’t valid — it is — but because that first question keeps you stuck. It keeps you reacting instead of understanding. And once you swap it out, something in the whole relationship starts to shift.

“Why Is He Doing This to Me?” vs. “This Is Just How He’s Wired”

In a recent coaching conversation, one of the moms I work with was working through exactly this. Her son has a hard time sitting still, gets bored fast, and constantly needs something new to stay engaged — and she’d been reading that as defiance. As him pushing back against her, specifically, was on purpose.

But that constant need for stimulation, that low tolerance for boredom, that instinct to keep moving toward the next interesting thing? That could also be reframed as a personality thing. That’s a recognizable Enneagram Type 7 pattern — a child whose core wiring orients toward possibility and away from anything that feels confining. He’s not doing it to her. He’s doing it because that’s how he’s built to move through the world.

That distinction changes everything about how you respond. A defiant child needs a consequence. A Type 7 child who’s drowning in boredom needs variety, movement, and a shorter runway between