Episode Details

How small talk, "loose ties," and everyday conversations help us feel more connected

For episode #200 of Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship, I’m joined by Dr. Gillian Sandstrom, an associate professor in the Psychology of Kindness at the University of Sussex and author of Once Upon a Stranger: The Science of How Small Talk Can Add Up to a Big Life.

I came into this conversation a little wary. Do I really want to talk to more strangers? On airplanes? At Trader Joe’s? When I’m trying to get through my errands and keep moving? But Gillian’s research—and her very practical way of talking about it—made a strong case for why these small, low-stakes interactions matter.

This episode is not about forcing every stranger into a future friendship. It’s about remembering that every friend was once a stranger, and that talking to people we don’t know gives us practice with the exact skills good friendships require: handling uncertainty, risking rejection, asking better questions, listening, ending conversations kindly, and staying open to other people.

Gillian also explains why small talk is not as pointless as it can seem, why people usually like us more than we think they do, and why even brief moments of connection can change the way we move through the world.

WE TALKED ABOUT:

• Why talking to strangers is connected to making and keeping friends

• The “liking gap” and why we often underestimate how much people enjoyed talking to us

• How strangers can be lower-stakes practice for friendship skills

• Why small talk can feel awkward, boring, or inefficient—and why it still matters

• Gillian’s “QUICK” method for starting conversations: questions, in common, and kindness

• How to politely end a conversation without pretending you need to take a call

• The difference between strangers, acquaintances, weak ties, loose ties, and “fringe-ships”

• Why we sometimes disclose more easily to strangers than to close friends

• The awkwardness of reaching out to an old friend who now feels like a stranger

• Why talking to strangers can make the world feel safer, warmer, and more human

One idea from Gillian I especially loved: not every interaction has to be transformative to be worthwhile. Like movies, not every conversation will be "amazing." Some will be forgettable and will be average, but over time, these small moments add up to something meaningful. In a world that often feels increasingly impersonal and distracted, I found that idea pretty convincing.

Meet Dr. Gillian Sandstrom: 

Gillian Sandstrom is an associate professor in the psychology of kindness at the University of Sussex and author of Once Upon a Stranger: The Science of How 'Small' Talk Can Add Up To a Big Life. Her research has been featured in The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, and The Atlantic, and has been covered by other outlets around the world. She has been interviewed for major podcasts and radio shows, including Hidden Brain, NPR's Life Kit, and Claudia Hammond's All in the Mind. She lives in Brighton, England. Find her on LinkedIn and Instagram. 

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