Episode Details

Are you seeing things in your marriage or a relationship that feel a little intense or puzzling…and you’re not sure if they’re normal or actually signs of a toxic relationship?

If so, it’s important to pause and look at the pieces of the puzzle together to see what they might be telling you. To discover if you’re in a toxic relationship take our free emotional abuse test.

Here are five things that might seem “normal,” but aren’t:

SIGNS OF A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP THAT ARE EASY TO MISS

1. HE WANTS TO MOVE THE RELATIONSHIP FORWARD QUICKLY

When you’re in a relationship with someone who seemingly shares and cares about your values and interests, it’s easy to be swept up by the intensity of it all. Especially if the relationship seems to happen at the “right” time, and things move forward quickly.

But this level of intensity and pace doesn’t give you time to slow down and really think about why you seem so compatible.

2. HE WANTS CONSTANT ACCESS TO YOU, BUT HE’S CLOSED OFF

It might seem caring for your partner or husband to want to know where you are all of the time. But is it reciprocal or does it feel one-sided, like he needs constant visibility into your life, while parts of his remain just out of reach?

Many women in these situations describe a quiet, hard-to-explain feeling that something isn’t adding up. Like he’s keeping close tabs on them… while also keeping options, information, or even other relationships carefully hidden.

3. HIS MOODS SHIFT SUDDENLY AND YOU DON’T KNOW WHY

Think about it…in healthy relationships, partners are usually aware of the reasons why one partner isn’t in a good mood. They typically communicate about bad days at work or when they’re not feeling well. But in toxic relationships, that level of trust and communication often isn’t there, because one partner doesn’t want it to be.

Everything’s fine, until it’s not, and then, it suddenly is again…
And you’re left trying to figure out what changed.

4. HE‘S UPSET OVER SMALL THINGS

Things that don’t seem like a big deal, suddenly are signs of a toxic relationship.

For example, you miss a turn on the way to his best friend’s birthday party… and suddenly it’s not about directions anymore. He’s accusing you of being disrespectful, or doing it on purpose because you don’t want to go. Or you might simply ask him to help with the groceries, and suddenly he’s angry because, “you don’t respect his time and all the things he has to do.”

5. HE’S A DIFFERENT PERSON WHEN OTHERS ARE WATCHING

Things feel tense, confusing, or even cold behind closed doors…but in public, he seems calm, kind, hardworking, and completely put together.

For example, during counseling or around friends, he might appear thoughtful, patient, and willing to work on the relationship. He says the right things. He looks sincere. Other people may even be impressed by how hard he’s trying.

But when you’re alone again, it’s different.

The warmth disappears. The tension returns. And you’re left trying to reconcile the version of him everyone else sees…with the version you live with every day.

If you relate and you need support, we’re always online to help you. Go to btr.org/group/ to see my daily support group schedule.

TRANSCRIPT: EARLY SIGNS OF A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR HUSBAND

Anne:  I did an interview with a member of our community. We’re going to call her Iris, She talked about how his toxi