Episode Details

Michelle always knew she wanted to be a mum. What she didn't know was that the path to getting there would involve a two and a half year wait just to choose a donor.

She made her first appointment at Fertility Associates in New Zealand in 2014 at the age of 34, was told there were five donor profiles to choose from, and was promptly put on a waitlist. She spent the next two and a half years living in parallel — open to meeting someone, but keeping her eye firmly on this path. When the call finally came in 2016, she sat down with her five profiles, eliminated three for minor medical reasons and two for wanting more contact than she was comfortable with, and chose the tallest one. Vayda-Rae was born after four IUI cycles — a chemical pregnancy, a negative, an overstimulated cancelled cycle, and then a successful fourth round at 37 — partly funded by her parents.

She's now nearly nine, and this episode is something we don't have enough of on this podcast: a genuinely long view. What does solo motherhood actually look like at year eight? What are the conversations you're still having? What gets easier and what catches you off guard?

Michelle is warm, funny, and completely honest — including about the moments that were harder than she expected. Vayda-Rae going through a phase of calling her best friend's husband "dad." The Father's Day questionnaire at school. Being the only family that looks like theirs in a small New Zealand town. The very different thing it is to raise a donor-conceived child when there are no other families like yours within reach.

But she also talks about the things nobody tells you going in. The unusually close relationship you build when it's just the two of you. A daughter who is emotionally mature beyond her years. The adventures they've had together. The lotto win that changed things. And the letter she wrote to Vayda-Rae's donor-conceived siblings — still waiting on a reply, but trying anyway.

This is a story for anyone at the very beginning, wondering if it's worth it. Michelle's answer is unambiguous.

• Making the decision at 34 and facing a two and a half year donor waitlist in New Zealand

• How the counselling at Fertility Associates NZ walked her through how a donor-conceived child might relate to their story at different ages — a framework Michelle found genuinely useful

• Choosing between five donor profiles and the logic (and laughs) behind the decision

• Four IUI cycles at 37 including a chemical pregnancy, a cancelled cycle and a successful fourth round

• Gestational diabetes and an emergency caesarean

• The newborn days — and why having no partner to disappoint made it simpler than she expected

• Raising Vayda-Rae in a small New Zealand town as the only solo mum family around

• The Father's Day questionnaire, the school trip questions, and navigating a daughter who sometimes just wants to be the same as everyone else

• How she's approached the donor-conceived sibling conversation — including the letter she sent

• Deciding to be one and done — and the donor consent timeline that influenced that decision

• What she wishes she'd worried less about — and what she'd say to anyone sitting on the fence right now