Episode Details

Children handle a strict teacher and a lenient one in the same school day without much trouble. Dr. Jill Leibowitz applies that to co-parenting: what a child needs is for each home to be predictable inside itself, not for the two to match. The trouble starts when a parent decides the other house has to fall in line.

Our guest is Dr. Jill Leibowitz, a clinical psychologist with a private practice in New York City, back for another conversation. She does play therapy with young children, talk therapy with adolescents and adults, parenting work, and dyadic sessions with a parent and infant together to build secure attachment. She is the author of two children's books, The Untold Story of Itsy Bitsy's Long Emotional Day and its sequel Mama's Stressed, which model both sides of a meltdown: helping a child regulate, and repairing afterward when the grown-up is the one who lost it.

Jill starts with why a child says different things in different homes, and why that is usually not lying. A feeling that was true Tuesday can be untrue Thursday. More than that, a child brings one part of themselves to one parent and another part to the other, and each parent ends up certain the other is missing something.

She and Lisa then go through the specific things that inflame a case. Relaying your child's complaint to the other parent as an instruction. Insisting on identical rules when the thing that actually needs to be consistent is sleep, not bedtime routines. Screen time, and the question Jill wants a parent to ask before starting a fight: where will this battle get me. Being looped into a group text with the kids so they can lobby for the other parent's position, and the one-line reply that ends it. Sleepaway camp, and how two parents each amplify one half of a child's ambivalence. And what to do when you are the parent who never hears the hard stuff.

As always, this is strategic education, not legal or mental-health advice for your specific situation.

🎓 What you'll learn

• Why a child telling each parent something different is usually not lying
• Code-switching between two homes, and why kids handle it better than parents expect
• What actually needs to be consistent across households, and what does not
• Why telling the other parent how to parent in their own home backfires every time
• The question to ask before you fight about screen time in a house you are not in
• How to answer when your ex loops the kids into a text thread to lobby you
• Sleepaway camp: how two parents each feed one half of a child's mixed feelings
• Why giving a child decision-making power is a burden, not a gift

⏱️ Chapters
0:00 Intro
1:00 Meeting Dr. Jill Leibowitz, and her two children's books
3:00 Why a child says one thing to you and another to your ex
5:00 Bringing a different self to each parent, and why both are true
7:00 Telling the other parent how to parent, and why it backfires
9:00 Consistency between homes: what has to match and what does not
13:00 Screen time, and where this battle actually gets you
17:00 When your ex loops the kids into the text thread
19:00 Summer camp, and the child who is excited and terrified at once
23:00 The parent your child does not bring the hard stuff to
27:00 Why power is a burden for a child, and where to find Jill

Keep going 💜
Book a free 30-minute discovery call and we'll help you map your next steps: https://beentheregotout.com/call
📘 Been There Got Out: Toxic Relationships, High-Conflict Divorce, and How to Stay Sane Under Insane Circumstances — https://www.amazon.com/dp/194627495X
📘 Been There Got Out: When Your Ex Turns the Kids Against You (our parental-alienation book) — https://www.amazon.com/dp/1967674183
🔗 Dr. Jill Leibowitz at Real Talks Everyday: https://realtalkseveryday.com/
🔗 Dr. Jill