Episode Details

Has your ex been following the rules so far in this divorce? No?

Then what the hell makes you think they'll follow the right of first refusal clause—spoiler: they won't, but you will, and that's exactly how this bullshit clause destroys you.

Right of first refusal is one of the biggest mistakes you can make in a high-conflict divorce. I've lived it, I've coached hundreds through it, and I'm sick of watching good parents get screwed by this clause.

Here's what actually happens: You need to attend a childfree wedding, so you call your ex per the clause. They're like, "Oh yeah! I'd love extra time with the kids! Go have fun!" You go, have a good time, come back the next day—and your kids are walking out with their heads down. "Dad said you chose partying over us." And your ex hits you with: "I'm gonna use this against you in court."

Wait. What the actual f? Twelve hours ago they were all about that extra time. Now it's ammunition.

And here's the kicker: Your ex will never follow this rule themselves. While you're being the perfect rule follower, they're leaving your kids with their new girlfriend for three days straight. With the neighbor lady. With their mom. With literally anyone except offering you the time first. You'll catch them, have proof, and they'll say "Oh, I forgot" or "It was only a few hours." They will not follow the rules. Ever. But you will.

What We're Covering:

The Truth:
You're looking at 50/50 custody. You know who else only gets 50% access now? Grandma. Your best friend. Your entire village. And if you include right of first refusal? Those people can't help you at all. No sleepovers at grandma's. No friend sleepovers. Nothing. Your high-conflict ex will be that petty.

Courts won't referee this. File contempt in January, get a hearing in March, and by then they've cleaned up their act. "Just that one time, Your Honor." Meanwhile you followed every rule and they broke every single one.

Let Me Save You Some Serious Pain:

Don't put right of first refusal in your parenting plan. Period.

I don't care if your lawyer says it's "standard." I don't care if it sounds fair. Don't do it. You'll be the only one following it. Your ex will weaponize it. Your kids will be told you don't prioritize them. You'll lose your support system.

If you're dying on this hill, check out my Parenting Plan Masterclass with Playbook for the do's and don'ts. But I'm telling you: you will regret it.

My Advice (And I Really Mean This):

Change your perspective. Accept you can't control what happens during their time. You can't stop the new girlfriend from babysitting. You can't control any of it. Take it off your li