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Time.
Is money.
And in the cold unfeeling eyes of Hollywood a “movie” is just a business strategy to convert two hours of your time into shareholder value.
Jupiter Ascending failed at that task. Spectacularly. It made $184 million dollars globally, but cost roughly the GDP of a small island nation to produce, generating such a severe loss for Warner Bros. that as punishment eight senior executives were mashed into time milk.
Why? Because it’s garbage. It is beautiful, glistening, high-fructose hilarious garbage. It’s the kind of movie that isn’t trying to make you laugh, yet leaves you wheezing at the screen asking, “Why? Who allowed this? Was everyone on set huffing industrial-grade furniture polish?”
Why make Mila Kunis a toilet cleaner? She’s about as believable in the role as Elijah Wood as He-Man.
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