Episode Details

We’ve been looking at shame this month. Is it always a bad thing? And what’s the difference between shame and accountability?

In our polarized society, sometimes it feels like we have two choices: you can be a squishy liberal who loves everyone and passively tolerates everything, or you can be a merciless conservative who longs to inflict draconian punishments in an attempt to control the behavior of others.

But the more I’ve been thinking about it, the more I think love and accountability are two things that have to live in tension.

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Two books are currently influencing my thinking on this topic: Calling In by Loretta Ross, and The Power of Parting by Eamon Dolan. Ross talks about the importance of relationship building and gentleness when confronting others (“calling in” vs. “calling out”) while Dolan stresses that we need not tolerate abusive behavior, even and especially from those closest to us.

Both authors, I think, hold this tension: that we can love people and treat their mistakes with kindness while refusing to tolerate ongoing abuse. They insist on giving people chances to change, but not an infinite amount. We can have limits and compassion.

What would this kind of compassionate accountability look like?

An example (though an imperfect one) might be something that happened in my church as I was growing up. It’s an incident with a man I’ll call “Paul.” (I’ve changed names and identifying details in this story.)

Paul had an advanced degree but worked in a public service capacity with vulnerable youth. Let’s say he was a lawyer who worked in the family court system with runaway teens.

Paul was well-liked and served in several capacities in church leadership, including as a youth group leader when I was in high school. I regularly babysat Paul’s kids and he drove me home several times.

I found Paul funny and charming. But sometimes our interactions had a weird vibe I couldn’t quite put my finger on. He was maybe a little overly familiar, treating us youth group kids more like peers than children. To be honest, part of me was thrilled: what teen doesn’t want to feel more grown up? But another part was wary.

Then, one day, Paul wasn’t in youth group anymore. At first, all I knew was that he’d been asked to step down from leadership, but gradually it came out that he’d moved one of his teenaged clients into his family’s home and begun “having an affair” with her.

(Viewing this scenario in 2026, I’m doubtful this relationship could be considered truly consensual, but at that time, the teen was seen as a willing participant.)

Paul’s wife demanded that he end the relationship and that the teen move out, among other things. Paul refused. So, she took the problem to the board of elders. Two elders met with Paul and tried to get him to see the error of his ways, but Paul refused to end his relationship.

Following this refusal, the board of elders called Paul into a larger meeting and again confronted him. When Paul wouldn’t back down, he was stripped of his church membership.

Even though he was no longer at church, because we lived in a small town, I heard things about