Episode Details

In this episode of The Art of Imperfect Adulting, Amy Stone speaks with Colette Fehr about marriage, divorce, and the impact of family dynamics on adult relationships. Based in Orlando, Florida, Colette candidly shares her journey from growing up in a traditional, conflict-filled New York household to navigating her own early marriage, divorce, and eventual career as a couples therapist. Listeners will gain insights into how childhood experiences unconsciously shape relationship choices, why emotional disconnection—not conflict—is a leading destroyer of marriages, and how to have the difficult conversations that lead to lasting love.

About Colette Fehr:

Colette Jane Fehr is a licensed psychotherapist and nationally recognized relationship expert. She’s the author of The Cost of Quiet: How to Have the Hard Conversations That Create Secure, Lasting Love, coming out February 2026 from Putnam and Penguin Random House. Colette co-hosts the hit podcast Insights from the Couch: Real Talk for Women at Midlife and Love Thy Neighbor: The Relationship Show, and her TEDx talk Secrets of a Couples Therapist was selected as a TED Editors’ Pick.

Main Topics Covered:

1. How childhood family dynamics, including loud conflict and divorce, shape unconscious patterns in adult relationships and marriage
2. The myth that successful relationships are free of conflict, and why learning to handle conflict constructively is essential
3. Colette’s experience of getting married young, going through divorce, and raising children—often counter to her peer group’s expectations
4. The societal and generational stigmas around divorce, especially for women, and why leaving can be the healthiest choice
5. The journey from “good girl” people-pleasing and self-abandonment to finding one’s voice and boundaries in relationships
6. Recognizing fawning and people-pleasing as trauma responses—and the path to unlearning them for healthier love
7. The importance of seeking skilled, specialized couples therapy (including discernment counseling) and not all therapists are equally equipped
8. Colette’s book "The Cost of Quiet: How to Have the Hard Conversations That Create Secure, Lasting Love," with practical tools for women to confidently express their needs

Quote from the Episode: "The number one factor that destroys relationships is emotional disconnection. Not arguing, not having differences, not even infidelity. It’s disconnection." — Colette Fehr

Timestamps: [00:00:06] Introduction and guest welcome; Colette shares her New Yorker roots and years in Orlando, Florida

[00:00:43] What Colette loves about Orlando: eternal sunshine and multiculturalism

[00:01:02] Introducing today’s topic: marriage and divorce

[00:01:21] Colette’s personal history: two marriages, one divorce

[00:01:45] Early marriage story—married at 24, divorced at 31, balancing motherhood and changing social circles

[00:04:13] How parents’ marriage and conflict modeled relationship dynamics for Colette

[00:06:51] The myth of “no conflict” in healthy relationships and the real importance of constructive communication

[00:08:37] How Colette’s childhood influenced her career choice as a therapist

[00:10:55] The cultural stigma of divorce in Irish Catholic New York during the 1980s

[00:13:01] Research o