Episode Details

Tim opens with a fresh intro explaining why you’re getting a classic instead of a new show:

• Weekend trip to visit his mom in Ashtabula turns into a rental car disaster

• Stranded with a busted rental, five-hour delay, and useless Enterprise locations

• Learns only airport rental counters are open on weekends

• Forced to drive home in a bright cherry red Kia Soul that doesn’t fit a 6'2" man or his ego

• Promises a new DV episode later in the afternoon, but for now serves up a filthy Best Of from 2016 featuring an Abraham Lincoln Sextastic Tuesday

We then jump back to Tuesday, March 8, 2016, Sideshow-era Sextastic Tuesday.

• Tim rants that Twitter is only good for yelling at companies, citing his Chipotle burrito bowl saga

• Reads a curated stream of disgusting sex tweets about period blood, wrecked pussies, and weird-smelling dicks to set the Sextastic mood

• Plays a performance piece about Diva Cups and “pussy blood collections”

• Poets lovingly describe pouring menstrual blood into a “chalice” and even rubbing it on a boyfriend’s dick

• Tim pushes back: bodies are gross, blood is gross, genitals are gross — please keep all that to yourself

• Tourette’s porn: schoolgirl with Tourette’s shouting obscene phrases as her “spasms” conveniently slam her face into dick territory

• Chubby “sweet boy” porn: a massive, hairy man gets humiliating baby talk about his “little peenie” while his gut is lifted to find his dick, all set to bizarre children’s-style background music

Feature-length erotic fanfic starring Abraham Lincoln with magic cum:

• Abe wakes in 1863 with a raging erection and an itchy seven-point star birthmark on his thigh

• Skips Mary Todd and gets serviced by maid Martha, who deep-throats his nine-inch “birch rod” while he calmly sips tea and eats biscuits

• Later, Japanese emissary Takeyoshi reveals Lincoln is a chosen shinobi whose power comes from his loins

• A super-charged orgasm blasts through the White House wall and across the sky like a cum comet

• Abe then lubes up with breakfast butter, rails the ninja, and joins in a multi-man cabinet fuck session as everyone services everyone else

• Lincoln’s “powers” manifest through gigantic loads and a convulsing ninja asshole

• AdamAndEve.com spot:

  • Use coupon code FREAK for 10 free gifts + free shipping

  • Tim begs you to buy smut and support DV

1. China Elevator Horror

   • Woman dies trapped in a shut-down elevator; body discovered a month later

   • Scratch marks inside show she tried to escape; Tim imagines the smell and rats.

2. Punch-Your-Husband Women’s Day Event (China)

   • Husbands dress as padded human punching bags so wives can sock them for “forgiveness” and empowerment.

3. Texas School Board Nut – Mary Lou Bruner

   • Leading candidate believes:

     • Obama financed a drug habit as a male prostitute

     • School shootings started after evolution was taught

     • Dinosaurs rode out the flood on Noah’s Ark and died later

     • Climate change is a Marxist hoax

   • Tim