Episode Details

In 25 years as a cop, what wore Doug Fifer down was not the physical danger. It was hostage negotiation: hours on a phone line with someone whose next move could end a life, where one wrong sentence breaks the trust holding everyone in place.

Doug Fifer was born in Homer, Alaska, and spent 25 years with the Anchorage Police Department. Over that career he moved through units most officers never touch, including the forensic crime-scene team, before settling into hostage negotiation for most of his years on the job. He has since written a true-crime book built from cases he worked himself. He joins Lisa to translate what he learned across a phone line with barricaded suspects into something a person negotiating custody and safety with a difficult ex can actually use.

Doug's throughline is that the fundamentals are the same for almost everyone. Build rapport, find the hooks you can both speak to honestly, and stay off the triggers that collapse a conversation. He explains why he taught his negotiators never to lie, and walks through the moment a serial killer holding two hostages asked whether he was going to jail, and how a truthful, careful answer kept the line open. He talks about how ego drives people, and why a sincere compliment can keep a combative ex engaged rather than heading to court. And he covers the domestic-violence realities he saw on hundreds of calls: mandatory-arrest laws that can catch the wrong person, why recording an incident on your phone is legitimate evidence, and why leaving, even for one night, beats staying in a house that has turned into a time bomb.

His plainest advice is the one he says every target he interviewed already knew in their gut and talked themselves out of. When something feels wrong, step back and protect yourself. It holds in a dark parking garage at two in the morning, and it holds in a relationship you already know is not going to change.

As always, this is strategic education, not legal or mental-health advice for your specific situation.

🎓 What you'll learn

• Why the same negotiation fundamentals work on almost everyone, a difficult ex included
• The hook-and-trigger method: steer toward common ground, stay off what makes them shut down
• Why you should never lie in a negotiation, and how to answer a hard question truthfully but carefully
• How ego drives behavior, and why a sincere compliment can keep a combative ex at the table
• Why any physical act in front of police can trigger a mandatory arrest, even of the non-aggressor
• Why recording an incident on your phone is fair, useful evidence in a he-said, she-said
• Why leaving a volatile household, even for a night, beats staying to prove a point
• "Follow your gut": the warning every target he interviewed knew and overrode

⏱️ Chapters
0:00 Intro
1:00 Alaska, isolation, and why violence runs high
3:00 From Homer to a 25-year police career
5:00 Becoming a hostage negotiator
7:00 Rapport, hooks, and triggers
9:00 Never lie: the serial killer who asked if he'd go to jail
13:00 Playing to ego to keep someone at the table
15:00 Domestic-violence scenes, mandatory arrest, and getting out
17:00 When the target is the one arrested, and documenting evidence
19:00 The barricade story, and believing people until disproven
23:00 Protecting your kids, following your gut, and Doug's book

Keep going 💜
Book a free 30-minute discovery call and we'll help you map your next steps: https://beentheregotout.com/call
📘 Been There Got Out: Toxic Relationships, High-Conflict Divorce, and How to Stay Sane Under Insane Circumstances — https://www.amazon.com/dp/194627495X
📘 Been There Got Out: When Your Ex Turns the Kids Against You (our parental-alienation book) — https://www.amazon.com/dp/1967674183
🔗 Doug Fifer's website: https://doug