Episode Details

Holidays in Torie Wiksell's childhood ran on a schedule nobody explained: her mother came first, and her father waited outside until she left. Torie remembers being a kid and thinking that was not normal, and also that no adult in the room seemed to agree with her.

Our guest this episode is Torie Wiksell, a therapist and boundaries coach who has practiced for roughly twelve and a half years and spent much of that time working clinically with people who have personality disorders, including borderline, narcissistic, antisocial, and histrionic presentations. She also grew up with a narcissistic mother, which is the reason colleagues started sending her the cases that fell outside their comfort zone. She runs a membership community for adults with toxic parents, built an app called Confident Boundaries for cycle breakers, and hosts the weekly podcast You're Not Crazy. Her parents divorced when she was a teenager, and her father's family aligned with her mother completely, so the dynamic BTGO clients describe in court is one she lived in.

Torie and Lisa map the roles that show up in these families and why they matter to a parent in a custody fight: the enabling parent, the scapegoat, the golden child, and the black-and-white worldview that makes them possible. They talk about why oversimplified healing advice adds shame rather than relief, why not every parent loves their child in a way that means anything, and why a child who already senses the truth may not be able to say it while they still depend on the person they would be saying it about. They also cover the gendered assumptions that get people believed or disbelieved, and how black-and-white thinking about abuse ends up protecting the person doing it.

The last stretch is for parents whose kids have already pulled away. Torie describes what shifted when she left home and met people whose families worked differently, why the early attachment you built is not erased by an estrangement, and how to build a support system when your own relatives have taken your ex's side. She also names the red flags in the recovery space itself, starting with anyone who tells you it is simple.

As always, this is strategic education, not legal or mental-health advice for your specific situation.

🎓 What you'll learn

• The roles in a family with a toxic parent: enabler, scapegoat, and golden child
• Why the scapegoat is often the healthiest member and still the last one to leave
• Why five-step healing advice adds shame instead of relief
• Why a child can know the truth and still be unable to say it out loud
• What tends to change once a child gets out from under the other parent's daily control
• Why the attachment you built in your child's early years still counts later
• How to build a support system when your own family has sided with your ex
• Red flags in the recovery space: who is selling, and who is teaching

⏱️ Chapters
0:00 Intro
1:00 The myth that everyone else has a healthy family
3:00 Growing up with a narcissistic parent who looked like the perfect mom
5:00 When your ex's family lines up behind them instead of you
9:00 Gender, the cycle of abuse, and men who are not believed
11:00 Scapegoat, golden child, and the enabling parent
15:00 Why five-step healing advice makes the shame worse
19:00 Why a child cannot say out loud what they already know
25:00 Growing up in a cult, and what happens when a kid gets out
31:00 Why the early years you had with your child still count
35:00 Building a support system, and red flags in the healing space

Keep going 💜
Book a free 30-minute discovery call and we'll help you map your next steps: https://beentheregotout.com/call
📘 Been There Got Out: Toxic Relationships, High-Conflict Divorce, and How to Stay Sane Under Insane Circumstances — https://www.amazon.