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Why can't we say what we think?
Description
Welcome back to The Dynamics of Everyday Life! In this episode, I get candid about the struggle to express what we really think, especially when it feels safer to go along with the crowd. I share a personal story about sitting through an event that felt uncomfortable and explores why so many of us bite our tongues instead of speaking up.
[00:00:50] I describe the pressure to join in, mentioning groupthink and the discomfort of not speaking my mind, sparking the episode's main question: Why can’t we just say what we think?
[00:01:47] I suggest the desire to be seen as “nice” drives our reluctance to speak honestly—often rooted more in self-protection than kindness.
[00:03:30] I give everyday examples of people pleasing—saying yes when you mean no, pretending to enjoy things, staying silent, and even coaches softening challenges.
[00:04:20] I dig deeper: our fear of disappointing others, the “good child” dynamic, and Freud’s superego voice leading us to create a “false self,” per Winnicott.
[00:05:14] I explains the cost: we conceal our real selves, leading to lack of connection in relationships.
[00:05:56] I explore the idea that niceness can be a way of controlling outcomes—staying agreeable to keep others sweet, with “niceness as emotional insurance.”
[00:06:26] I address longer-term costs: resentment, regret, and a lack of putting ourselves first.
[00:08:08] Setting clear boundaries can actually invite respect and safety, even if it causes initial pushback.
[00:08:57] I invite listeners to reflect on their motivations for being nice, warns of the tragedy of the true self never getting to breathe, and wraps up with reminders for self-kindness.
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The Dynamics of Everyday Life explores the psychological patterns shaping how we think, work and relate to others; bringing psychodynamic thinking into coaching, leadership and everyday life.
If you're a coach interested in learning more about psychodynamic approaches to coaching, you can explore Julia's training programmes on her website.
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