Episode Details

Not long after his dad leaves the state and the marriage in a single afternoon, a fourteen-year-old starts calling his mom by her first name and telling her she doesn't need to parent him. Within a few weeks of the right support, that same kid talks to her for ninety minutes without wanting to get out of the car. Mike Barsamian tells that story because he watches the turnaround happen often.

Mike Barsamian, known as Mike the Parent Coach, has worked with teenagers for two decades as a youth pastor, counselor, teacher, and coach, and now coaches parents, many of them navigating divorce, in Southern California. He is a familiar name around Been There Got Out; his "name it to tame it" approach to a child's emotions turns up in the founders' work. This conversation is about parenting a teenager while the home itself is in upheaval.

Mike frames the teen years as a tightrope from childhood to adulthood that only stays steady when the poles on each end are firm, which is exactly what a high-conflict home takes away. He explains code-switching, the exhausting work of a kid adapting to two households (plus school, teams, and clubs) that each run by different rules, and why a calm sending-and-receiving ritual matters. He shares his marathon image of running the race alongside your teen without expecting the medal, walks through his PACE method (getting present, appreciating where they are in their development, and connecting strategically), and reminds parents that a teen's consequence-weighing brain is the last thing to come online.

The rest is tools. Turn "why" into "what" to lower everyone's defenses, including your ex's. His reframe of much of what gets called narcissism as critically low self-esteem, and why leading with curiosity can disarm it. And a relationship you can actually measure: appreciation (valuing who someone is, as opposed to admiration for what they do), consideration, and communication, with a self-audit you run on yourself before anyone else. He closes on where parents can find him and start.

As always, this is strategic education, not legal or mental-health advice for your specific situation.

🎓 What you'll learn

• Why code-switching between two households leaves kids exhausted, and the receiving routine that helps
• Why the teen years are a tightrope, and how a peaceful home steadies it
• The marathon model: running alongside your teen instead of coaching from the sidelines
• Why teens overestimate the payoff of what they want, because consequential thinking develops last
• How to turn every "why" question into a "what," with your kids and with your ex
• The reframe that disarms "narcissistic" behavior: leading with curiosity instead of blame
• Appreciation versus admiration, and why performance praise doesn't fill a kid's cup
• The three-part relationship check: appreciation, consideration, and communication

⏱️ Chapters
0:00 Intro
1:00 How a chaotic home affects teens: the tightrope and its poles
3:00 Code-switching between two households, and the receiving routine
7:00 Meet Mike Barsamian, and stopping intergenerational trauma
10:00 Why low self-esteem after divorce makes parenting harder
13:00 The marathon: running alongside your teen, not from the sidelines
15:00 The PACE method, and why consequential thinking develops last
17:00 "You can fix it": the mom whose son started using her first name
19:00 Turn every "why" into a "what," with your kids and your ex
22:00 Reframing "narcissistic" behavior, and leading with curiosity
25:00 Why you need a coach, and remembering who you are
31:00 Appreciation, consideration, communication, and finding Mike

Keep going 💜
Book a free 30-minute discovery call and we'll help you map your next steps: https://beentheregotout.com/call
📘 Been There Got Out: Toxic Relationships, High-