Episode Details

If you’re wondering, “What does the bible say about narcissistic abuse?” Here’s a list of scriptures that will help you know what to do next.

To know if you’re one of the 19 different types of narcissistic abuse, take our free emotional abuse test.

Transcript: What Does The Bible Say About Narcissistic Abuse?

Anne: I am honored to have Leslie Vernick on today’s episode. Welcome, Leslie. We will talk about what does the Bible say about narcissistic abuse.

Leslie: Thanks Anne for having me. I’m so excited to be part of your podcast today. It’s been a personal journey to figure out what God’s word really says. Can you break up with somebody as a Christian, or are you obligated to be in a relationship with a narcissistic abuser for the rest of your life? And so I’ve had to personally struggle with those questions. And work to get rid of the guilt and learn to do what God says.

As Christian women, we’re taught James 3:2. We all struggle in many ways, we’re all broken, we all fail, and so who am I to say your sin is worse than mine? Who am I to judge your actions as abusive? And traditionally in the church, we have not even allowed the categories of sexual abuse or narcissistic abuse in marriage. It’s only if he hits you. Maybe it can be considered abuse, but probably you deserved it.

You aggravated him, pushed his buttons or triggered him. And so maybe you should stop doing that. He wouldn’t hit you.

Anne: Many people think when we say the word safety, that we’re talking about, he doesn’t punch you in the face. But we’re talking about emotional safety. What does the Bible say about narcissistic abuse?

Leslie: I love that the Bible actually talks about the importance of safety, especially in marriage. The verse in Proverbs 31 where it says her husband trusts her to do him good, not harm all the days of his life. That is safety. That’s the rock bottom foundation. And so safety is an important quality to God in relationships.

Common Lies & Misconceptions

Leslie: He created our bodies to react negatively if we’re unsafe. So that we go to safety. But his lies, I’ll just give you some of the most common ones. It’s my fault he acts this way. So if only I were more sexual, adventurous, quieter, more submissive, more beautiful, had bigger boobs or whatever it is. It’s somehow her fault. I just need to try harder. I’m not loving him enough. I’m not doing enough to make this relationship work.

God hates divorce. I married him for better, for worse, and suffering and sacrifice are Christian virtues that I must embrace to keep my family together. What does the Bible say about narcissistic abuse? And that’s a lot of theology, but I think that’s common in women of faith. Whether it’s the Catholic faith or the evangelical Christian faith. Church tell us it’s somehow our duty. And virtuous to sacrifice ourselves to keep our family together.

Anne: So many abusers accuse their victim of being unsafe for them. Like if you were safe enough, I would tell you the truth. But you shame me, and all it is is manipulation. And so that confuses the victim, because she’s like, am I not safe enough? How can I become more “safe” for this man who says it’s my fault he’s not treating me well?

Leslie: Well, he’s going to use this language that he’s going to hear in the therapeutic environment of safety. But he will twist it. So what he’s saying is, if I don’t have a carte blanche to do what I want, it’s somehow her fault. Life doesn’t work that way. But that’s the mindset of the abusers.

Manipulation & Gaslighting

Leslie: Of course, it’s not safe for me to tell y