Episode Details

Is crying yourself to sleep almost every night normal? Is marriage meant to be hard?

We’ll get to the answer. And in the meantime, consider that you may be experiencing emotional abuse. To find out, take our free emotional abuse quiz.

The Myth That Marriage Is Meant To Be Hard Enables Abuse

The old “marriage is hard” trope enables abusers. When clergy, family, therapists, and others advise women struggling in abusive situations, they answer the question, “Is marriage meant to be hard?”” By saying that all marriages are difficult, all men demand sex, and all women are enduring some level of misery. Victims may feel they aren’t justified to seek safety.

The truth? Healthy marriages are a safe space from the pain, fatigue, and trauma of life. Healthy marriages do not cause pain, fatigue, and trauma.

So What’s “Normal” Marriage Meant To Be Like?

Many women fear that abuse has altered their perception of “normal” and “healthy.” Answering the question “Is marriage meant to be hard?” with a yes prevents them from recognizing a healthy relationship.

This list may help you if you are having trouble identifying abusive behaviors in your relationships:

• Gaslighting is abuse
• Yelling is abuse
• Punching walls, hitting objects, and slamming doors is abuse
• Hurting or threatening pets is abuse
• Coercing you into sex is abuse
• Having sex with you when you’re sleeping, using painkillers, or feeling sick is abuse
• Giving you an STD is abuse
• Humiliating you is abuse
• Having sex with you without your informed consent (including about his pornography use or other sexual behaviors) is abuse
• Shaming you by using scriptures, talks, or other religious materials is abuse
• Lying to other people about you is abuse

This list is not exhaustive, but may help identify covert abuse in your relationship.

Is Your Marriage Harder Than It Should Be?

At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we know that the first instinct women usually experience is a desire to point it out to the abuser, and try to elicit him to change. We also know that this doesn’t work and puts the victim in more danger – emotionally, sexually, and physically.

We’re here for you. The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions are specifically created for women who need a safe space to process trauma, ask questions, and find a community of women in similar situations. You’re not alone.

Transcript: Is Marriage Meant To Be Hard?

Anne: I have a member of our community, Elizabeth, on today’s episode. She’s a wife and mom, and survivor of a 14 year abusive marriage. She’s a writer working in the advertising industry. Outside of her career, Elizabeth works as a grant writer for Human Trafficking Restoration House, and as a leader for