Episode Details

Many people say the key to restoring a relationship is forgiveness, but what should you do when an abuser denies his abuse? Is forgiveness even possible? Here’s what you need to know. Many clergy, therapists, family or friends tell victims to “just forgive” their abuser. But this advice often ignores the trauma victims face and the need to focus on protecting themselves so they can heal.

When people talk about forgiveness, they’re often really asking victims to accept abuse and move on. This creates more harm and trauma for victims who need protection, understanding, and support. There are 19 types of emotional abuse. Most abusers refuse to admit that what they did was abusive. To see if you’re husband has been emotionally abusive to you, take our free emotional abuse quiz.

If Forgiveness Matters To You, Keep This In Mind

If forgiveness is important to you, it’s okay to redefine what it means. Instead of reconciliation, think of forgiveness as “letting go.”

• Let go of the relationship if it’s necessary for your emotional or physical safety.
• Let go of self-blame by recognizing that the abuse is not your fault, no matter what the abuser may have said or done.
• Hold on to justice and accountability. It’s healthy to desire safety and justice.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting what happened or allowing further harm. It’s about taking care of you.

How To Support A Victim When An Abuser Denies His Abuse

If you’re supporting someone who has experienced abuse and are tempted to suggest forgiveness, consider saying these things instead:

• “What can we do to make sure you’re safe?”
• “Do you want to hold him accountable? How can I help with that?”
• “How safe do you feel right now?”
• “What resources do you need to feel supported and functional?”

By asking these questions, you’re shifting the focus to the victim’s needs and reinforcing her right to safety and healing. Remember, when an abuser denies their actions, it doesn’t erase the victim’s experience. Abusers may never admit to the harm they caused, but that doesn’t mean they didn’t cause harm. In fact, denying what happened amounts to more emotional and psychological abuse and causes even more harm.

At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we know how painful dismissal and minimization are by others. When they repeatedly tell you to try to forgive the abuser – it’s excruciating to try to explain yourself over and over. Our Group Sessions are a safe place to process your feelings, b