Episode Details

It’s hard to say no. How to say no is especially difficult when your husband is emotionally abusive. Penny has an abusive father, and has some amazing tips about how to say no.

The general idea is this: If it’s unhealthy, harming me, or I don’t want to do it AND it’s arbitrary, I say no.

Try:

• Saying “No, thank you” politely.
• You don’t need to offer explanations or reasons.
• Say no in writing, if it’s easier.

The basic idea is pretty simple, but important: I say yes when it’s a healthy choice. I say yes to what I want.

It’s Okay To Change Your Mind

If you’re struggling to know if something is unhealthy, do you know the 19 types of emotional abuse? If not, take our free emotional abuse quiz.

Sometimes we say yes when we meant no – or feel coerced or manipulated into saying yes. Sometimes we say no, then later realize we would like to say yes. How to say no? You’re allowed to change your mind! You’re allowed to make mistakes!

If you relate and need support to say no to emotional abuse, consider attending a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session today.

Transcript: How To Say No

Anne: I have a special guest on the podcast today. She wanted to be called Vanellope after Vanellope von Schweetz from Wreck It Ralph. So we’re gonna call her Vanellope or Penny for short. She is my eight year old daughter. Welcome, Penny.

Penny: Hi, I want to teach you how to say no thank you. So, if someone who is abusive says, do the dishes! Or like, do everything, then you could just say, No, thank you.

Anne: So Penny is a good example. She started doing this on her own. Basically, if somebody asks her something she doesn’t want to do, she politely and sweetly smiles and says.

Penny: No, thank you.

Anne: And she says it a lot.

Penny: No, thank you! When someone asks me to do it, I’m like, I don’t wanna do it. So I’m like, no, thank you.

Anne: You seem confident when you say it. I find it impressive. So I’m going to talk to my listeners for a second, okay? Now because Penny is kind and happy, and she’s not afraid to say no. When she first started doing this, it caught me off guard.

Because sometimes she would say it when I asked her to brush her teeth. And as her mom, even though I’m assertive, when she said, no, thank you. It stopped me in my tracks. Then I thought, oh, I guess that’s it. I guess she’ll never brush her teeth. Now as her mom, I was able to tell her, this is a healthy thing we need to do. And we overcame that.

The Effectiveness of ‘No Thank You’

Anne: How to say no? A simple, no, thank you is such an effective thing to say to an abusive person. And of course, they will try to fight you or maybe try to get around it. But this simple way of saying no is effective. When Penny does it, she doesn’t even give an explanation. She doesn’t give a reason. She just says, no, thank you.

So even though she’s happy, friendly, and cheerful, it doesn’t even seem like she’s open to negotiation. Do you know what I mean by that? When I say it doesn’t seem like you’re open to negotiation.

Penny: Not really.

Anne: It seems like you want to say no, and that’s the end of the conversation, and you don’t expect them to try and talk you into it. Like when you say no thank you, you don’t give a reason, you don’t complain.

Penny: Like at a dinner party if you don’t want that food. I would say no, t