Episode Details

If you’re like many women in the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Community, you’ve spent hours scouring the internet, researching why your husband has no empathy for you.

Is it mental illness? A history of trauma? Is it physiological? Due to addiction or pornography use?

Or is it a choice?

Maybe he’s emotionally abusive? To discover if he’s using any one of the 19 types of emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse quiz.

Nora is on the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast with Anne, taking a deep dive into why some men abuse their partners. And refuse to connect in a compassionate, healthy way.

All The (Wrong) Reasons…

Many women in t have tried to find the cause for their partner’s cold, distant, abusive behaviors. That do not include abuse – hopeful that their partner can change or be fixed so that the marriage can stay intact. Therapists, clergy, internet research and others may point them in the direction of:

• Mental illness
• Addiction
• Alcoholism
• Anger problems
• Pornography use
• Personality disorders
• Childhood trauma
• Stress
• Poor examples of marriage/relationships

While abusive men may have any combination of these. Abuse is a choice that men make – not a condition that they cannot control. So alcoholism, for example, may exacerbate abuse, but it is not the cause of abuse.

Abusing You Is His Choice: Now What?

Understanding that he is choosing to abuse you. Despite whatever his “reason” is or a “reason” his therapist may give you.

Victims may feel trapped, wondering how to proceed. When a disorder, addiction, or other external issue is to blame, victims get distracted from their own emotional safety.

Women seeking education regarding an abusive partner may benefit from these resources:

• Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions
• The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast

Transcript: What To Do When Your Husband Has No Empathy

Anne: I have a member of our community on today’s episode. I’m going to call her Norine. She’s a victim of betrayal and emotional, psychological, and financial abuse. Her ex-husband is a former police officer and serving a sentence in federal prison after a child abuse material conviction. Sometimes people call that child pornography, but we know it’s child abuse material.

Her ex-husband staunchly denied he knew anything about the abuse material on his computer, and insisted she was responsible for “planting it there.”

Welcome. Norine.

Norine: Thank you so much, glad to be here.

Anne: As women are trying to figure out what is going on, like is he an addict, does he have a personality disorder? Sometimes CSAT therapists start start going down that path, so I think many women will be interested in your story. And