Episode Details

Too often, we expect abuse victims to look a certain way: downtrodden, economically-dependent, and submissive. But that’s not true. Abuse is exploitative in nature. What do emotional abusers look for in their victims? Strength and ability, here’s why.

If you relate to this episode and wonder if you’re experiencing emotional abuse, take this free emotional abuse quiz.

Leslie, a successful doctor with multiple degrees, a victim of her ex-husband’s horrific abuse – shares her story.

Here’s What Do Emotional Abusers Look For In Their Victims: Financial Resources

Financially independent women may have difficulty accepting they are being abused. Because they are well-educated and respected in the workplace. The discrepancy with the way their abusive husband treats them at home may cause them to question reality. And create a disconnect in their ability to identify as a victim.

Interestingly, financial abuse is a very sad reality for women who are breadwinners in their families. This form of financial abuse may occur when the abuser:

• Refuses to work and/or contribute to family expenses.
• Uses the victim’s earnings to fund extravagant expenses and/or abusive expenses (dating apps, pornography, drugs, alcohol, etc).
• Takes the victim’s paychecks and diverts them to his account.
• Demands a portion of the victim’s paycheck and refuses to account for where the money goes.
• Attempts to sabotage the victim’s career.
• Promises to earn an income, but either cannot hold down a job or doesn’t try to secure a job.
• Forces the victim to be the breadwinner, then makes her feel guilty for doing so.
• Places an expectation that all expenses are the responsibility of the victim.
• Is constantly resetting the time horizon as to when the financially playing field will be leveled.
• Refuses to contribute to daily household tasks while the victim works to support the family.

But I Thought I Was Smart”

Many victims berate themselves for “allowing” abuse.

They say things like:

• “But I thought I was smart!”
• “How could I be so stupid?!”
• “I don’t look like an abuse victim.”
• “Resources for abuse victims go to them – I should get myself out of this.”
• “I was stupid enough to get into this, I need to get myself out of this.”

Victims who have the capacity to earn a living can be extremely hard on themselves.

If you have experienced financial success, you are just as valid as any other victim of abuse – you deserve safety. You are entitled to every resource available to victims.