Episode Details

Have you wondered how abusers manipulate their victims? Chandra shares how her first husband manipulated her to keep her in the dark. Chandra, a Shero and member of the BTR.ORG community, shares the first part of her incredible story of surviving abuse despite her first husband’s many attempts to control the narrative.

If you’re in this situation and need support, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY.

This episode follows Chandra’s Story:
This Is How Abusers Manipulate Their Victims – Chandra’s First Marriage (THIS EPISODE)
When My New Husband Is Abusive Too – Chandra’s Second Marriage

Abusers Control The Narrative By Talking First

It’s strategic – the way they control the story. This is how abusers manipulate their victims. And the first step they take is telling the story first. The first to talk is generally the one that people believe, unfortunately. So if the abuser seeks religious counseling, back-up from law enforcement, or “emotional support” from family and friends before the victim. They are more likely to be believed and discredit the victim.

Furthermore, abusers manipulate their victims by spinning the narrative to make themselves look like the victim. They often do this by admitting to a degree of abuse, but giving an excuse that draws pity or praise:

• “Yes, I did cheat, but I’m working a therapist on overcoming my childhood trauma, and I’m hoping she’ll forgive me for my attachment issues that led to me betraying her…”
• “If it wasn’t a sexless marriage, I wouldn’t have to do the things I do…”
• “My family was abusive, and I’m working so hard to be a better man. I just wish she’d stop ignoring my texts so I could tell her how hard I’m working. Can you ask her to talk to me?”

To discover if your husband is emotionally abusive, take our free emotional abuse quiz.

Abusers Spin The Story: “I’m The Actual Victim Here”

Whether they blame the affair partner, like Chandra’s ex-husband did, or blame the abusive family they grew up in:

“I was raised to _____” (objectify women, use exploitative material, hit, sexually abuse women, etc)

Blame society:

“I’m a man! What do you expect?”

Or blame a host of other situations or people, including their hormones, friends, alcohol, drugs, or stress. Abusers who manipulate their victims and are adept at shifting blame from taking accountability for their own choices. To make it appear they