Episode Details

12 step for wives of addicts is commonly suggested to women who experience intimate betrayal. Michelle and Kate, members of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Community, join Anne to talk about how 12 Step can harm victims.

If you need support after you discover your husband’s betrayal, check out our daily online Group Sessions.

12 Step Utilizes The Codependency Model (Hint – The Codependency Model Is Bad)

When women experience betrayal and abuse, they may feel eager to gain some control over their lives that feel out of control.

12 step support groups for wives of addicts often subtly blames victims for her husband’s choices and often suggests that women mind their own business.

Codependency and trauma are completely different. Trauma is external—someone does it TO you. Codependency means the problem is your fault.

Transcript: 12 Step For Wives Of Addicts? What You Need To Know

Anne: I’m excited to have Michelle and Kate on the podcast today. They’re fellow Shero friends. We’re going to talk about all, mine included, of our journeys from finding out about our spouse’s addiction, and seeking help first through “codependent” means. Being on that train for a while, and then coming to grips with the fact that it’s abuse.

Then how we progress to where we are today. We’re all learning as we go. So if you’ve listened to the podcast, you may say, oh, she thought this two years ago, now she thinks something different. And that’s how we all progress. So let’s start with Michelle.

Thinking That 12 Step For Wives Of Addicts Would Help Me

Anne: Let’s talk about your journey of discovering healing. What has it been like?

Michelle: It seems like it’s been a forever road. First, there was a friend of mine who told me about this wonderful world of SAL.

Anne: Most listeners won’t know what SAL is. So let me jump in here for a second. This is 12 step for wives of addicts. SAL or S-Anon or Co-SA, there are a bunch of different 12-step programs for wives of addicts. Where wives do the 12-steps themselves. In 12 step for wives of addicts, wives fix their own “side of the street.”

And that you need to work your own program. Basically mind your own business, make yourself better. And let him do his thing.

Michelle: And this was right when I found out about my husband’s addiction. And so I thought, okay, this is what everyone else is doing, so I guess this is what I need to do too. I attended three to four meetings a week, every week, for six months. And while doing this, I was reading and learning as much as I could learn about addiction and trauma.

Why The 12 Step Group For My Husband’s Addiction Didn’t Sit Right WIth Me

Michelle: So my first real memory of SAL was step one of 12 step for wives of addicts. My life has become unmanageable, and I’m like, wait, my life was manageable a month ago. It’s not manageable now because of my husband’s choices, but I could do everything before, and