Episode Details

“My husband says I’m the problem, so I went to therapy for years. But things are still bad.”

J.R. spent nearly a decade trying to improve herself so her marriage would improve. She didn’t realize she was never the problem in her marriage.

To know if you’re the problem, take our free emotional abuse quiz to see if you’re experiencing any of the 19 types of emotional abuse. If you are, it’s unlikely you have anything to do with the problems in your marriage.

Many victims may blame themselves because that’s how a master manipulator will continue to exploit. Convincing her that she’s the problem is part of psychological abuse.

Signs You’re Not the Problem

You’re not the problem if your husband does any of the following:

• Uses gaslighting to contort your perception of reality
• Betrays you, including secret exploitative content use
• Blames you for his choices

Transcript: My Husband Says I Am The Problem, Is He Right?

Anne: We have a member of our community on today’s episode. We’ll call her J.R. She’s a mother of four. She spent almost a decade of her life, married to a psychologically abusive man. Welcome J.R.

J.R.: Thank you, Anne. I’m so happy to have this opportunity.

Anne: You said you attribute your healing to Betrayal Trauma Recovery. Do you want to start there, and then we’ll circle back to the beginning?

J.R.: In 2020, I discovered the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast. To be honest, I was trying to rack my brain to figure out how I found the podcast. I can’t remember, I feel like it’s a God thing for me anyway. I had known about his use throughout our relationship. We had been through a lot regarding his addiction at that point. But I never would have been able to classify it as emotional abuse. I didn’t have the terminology.

At that time, we lived in Washington state, and I was driving through gorgeous Oregon countryside, like mountains, just a really beautiful landscape. Listening to episode after episode of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery podcast, and I remember this feeling, like, this is me. I heard a description of what I was going through for the first time. I think in the past I had seen myself as the villain, because hearing some women talk on the BTR podcast.

And hearing you Anne talk about safety, gaslighting, and emotional abuse. It became