Episode Details

A lot of people say marriage is hard work. But what if it’s not? What if healthy marriage is easy and what you’re going through is something else?

What if Marriage is Only Hard When…

The so-called “hard work” of marriage may stem from unforeseen external circumstances, like health challenges, financial strain, or extended family issues for a short period. If your marriage is hard work, all of the time, it may be due to unseen harm inflicted by your husband through emotional, psychological, or spiritual abuse.

It’s often difficult to see that his behavior is manipulative or coercive. Take our free emotional abuse test to find out.

Does the Hard Work of Marriage Involve these 6 things?

If the hard work you’re talking about involves these 6 things, it’s likely there’s something else going on:

1. Is Confusion Part of the Hard Work of Marriage?

Confusion is often one of the first signs that what you’re experiencing is not just “normal” relationship stress. When patterns of confusion are present, women typically try learning to communicate better, to be more patient, or give their husband the benefit of the doubt. But if working on the marriage in this way leaves you constantly doubting your own perception or ability to resolve issues, something deeper may be happening.

What’s worse is that when women try to describe what’s happening to friends, family, or counselors, they might give us basic relationship advice, or even just healthy living advice, because they don’t see the patterns or understand that even in challenging times where marriage is hard work, it shouldn’t involve ongoing patterns of confusion.

2. ARE YOU searching for expert Help Over and Over Again?

If your marriage keeps sending you to another therapist, another clergy member, another recovery program, or another book, that is not necessarily a sign that you are failing. It may be a sign that you are smart enough to know you need help.

Women who are experiencing hidden emotional and psychological abuse often go for help because they are willing to learn, change, and work hard. The problem is that many professionals are not abuse experts, so the help they offer may not address the real issue. When “marriage is hard work” turns into years of seeking help with no safety, clarity, or change, the problem may not be your effort. Pay attention to who is doing all the hard work and who isn’t.

3. Do you need a “Diagnosis” if marriage is hard work?

If your marriage is hard work and you’ve been searching for help, your search may have resulted in incorrect diagnosis after incorrect diagnosis of the problem. You may have been told your husband is an addict, or he has a personality disorder, or he’s struggling from his traumatic childhood.

Maybe he has “anger management issues.”

Those explanations can sound compassionate and believable, especially when women are desperate to understand what is happening so they can save their marriage. But if their husband’s “diagnosis and treatment” keeps women in proximity to harmful behavior longer, have

4. Does the Hard Work of Marriage Involve Despair?

Many victims of this cycle feel trapped and like giving up, because their marriage is hard work even after they’ve tried and tried to get help over and over.

Despair sets in when they’ve done everything that smart women do to resolve issues in their marriage, but the help they received led them down a path of thinking they were a part of the problem instead of correctly identifying their husband’s patterns as emotional and psychological abuse.