Episode Details

When counseling for cheating focuses on what a wife could have done differently to stop her husband’s betrayal, it misses the real issue: her husband made choices in secret and withheld reality from her.

Here are five things a therapist or counselor may ask you to do, that you’re probably already doing.

5 THINGS A THERAPIST MIGHT SUGGEST, THAT YOU’RE Probably ALREADY DOING

1. If the therapist suggests the way forward after his cheating is for YOU to be more SELF-REFLECTIVE

You may have spent years asking yourself:

“Am I too critical?”
“Did I communicate that badly?”
“Am I being unfair?”
“Should I be more patient?”
“Do I need to change my expectations?”

Self-reflection can be healthy in a safe relationship. But in an abusive or deceptive relationship, self-reflection becomes a trap when your husband or counseling for cheating uses it to keep the attention on your “faults” and off of his choices.

2. IF THE THERAPIST SAYS THERE’S NO WAY TO HEAL YOUR MARRIAGE IF YOU KEEP SCORE, WELL…

You may have chosen grace over confrontation. You may have tried not to bring up the past. You may have avoided keeping a mental ledger of who did what, who apologized first, who sacrificed more, or who caused the most pain.

And yet, he still lied.

A wife can be generous, forgiving, and non-punitive, and her husband can still exploit that kindness. In fact, men who live double lives often benefit from a wife who keeps giving them the benefit of the doubt.

3. IF THE THERAPIST SUGGESTS YOU LOOK FOR SOLUTIONS “TOGETHER“

Many wives are already the solution-focused, repair department of the family.

When there is conflict, they look for the book, the podcast, the therapist, the date night, the conversation starter, the prayer, the apology, the new schedule, the softer approach, the better system.

They try to make home peaceful and emotionally safe for everyone.

If a husband is lying about cheating, using inappropriate media, emotional affairs, financial betrayal, or other secret behaviors, then the wife does not have the information she needs about the real problem. The equation is unsolvable as long as he’s lying.

4. IF THE THERAPIST SUGGESTS YOU RE-COMMIT TO THE MARRIAGE

At the first sign of trouble, most wives lean in and try harder.

But trying harder does not cure his entitlement. Being more available does not cure his secret behavior. Being more patient does not cure his dishonesty. Offering more love does not cure his emotional abuse.

A wife can pour herself into the marriage until there is almost nothing left of her, and still not fix his intention to hide the truth.

5. IF THE THERAPIST SUGGESTS THAT YOU SHOULD ASK IMPORTANT QUESTIONS

This is one of the most painful parts for many betrayed wives. When a counselor or someone else says, “Why didn’t you say something,” or “Maybe you should have communicated more clearly about your expectations,” it can feel like you’re being betrayed all over again.

The truth is that most women did.
They checked in.
They brought up concerns.
They asked about inappropriate material use.
They asked about the phone.
They asked about the distance.
They asked about the late nights, the mood shifts, the secrecy, the intimacy problems, the strange feeling in their gut.

And their husbands used these concerns as another opportunity to undermine her instincts and reality.

Transcript: WHEN COUNSELING FOR CHEATING MAKES HIS CHEATING “OUR PROBLEM”

Anne: