Episode Details

There is no fear or pain quite like the trauma a woman experiences when your ex uses the kids to hurt you.

Whether it’s through the family court system, co-parenting, or everyday chaos, abusers know one of the most effective ways to harm a woman is through her children.

If you’re going through this and need support, come to our online support group for betrayal trauma.

FIVE TRUTHS: WHEN YOUR EX USES THE KIDS TO HURT YOU

• My ex husband’s emotional abuse didn’t stop after divorce. I thought leaving would end the chaos. It didn’t. It just changed form. In my case: My ex used the kids to hurt me in new ways—canceling their medical appointments, undermining their care, and creating daily disruption through them.
• The system didn’t protect me. I believed that if I showed the truth, the court would fix it. What actually happened: Six years later, I went back to court to reduce his custody… and he got more. When your ex uses the kids to hurt you, the system doesn’t always see it for what it is.
• Doing more didn’t fix it. I tried being clear, cooperative, and reasonable. I tried to document everything. But: None of that changed his behavior. When your ex uses the kids to hurt you, more effort often just gives him more to twist, escalate, and use against you.
• He didn’t want resolution, he wanted control I kept thinking we could figure it out. That we could land on something that worked for the kids. But his goal wasn’t peace, or parenting, it was control. He contradicted what I said, ignored what the kids needed, and created conflict, even when it made no sense.
• Strategy, not effort, is what changed everything. The turning point wasn’t trying harder. It was doing something completely different. For me: I stopped focusing on getting him to understand, or getting the court to fix it. When your ex uses the kids to hurt you, the only thing that changes the outcome is strategy.

This led me to develop the strategies that eventually became my workshop that teaches women what to do after betrayal.

And about a year later…everything changed.

LETTING ANGER FUEL STRATEGIC ACTION

Abusive men use the courtroom to not only torment victims, but also to manipulate court professionals and seek validation. They don’t want parenting time or a peaceful resolution, they want to win. It’s impossible to co parenting with a narcissistic parent. They want chaos and enjoy the fight.

To know if your ex is emotionally abusive, take our free emotional abuse quiz.

When he uses the kids to hurt you in the courtroom, it is essential that you seek support, practice radical self-compassion and self-care, and develop good boundaries.

Family court systems all over the world are broken. Outcomes are completely unpredictable. However, you can determine now to love and accept yourself no matter what happens. You can determine now to surround yourself with people who love you and build you up. You will need