Episode Details

We know we have to be our kids’ soft place to fall. We understand why they absolutely fall apart after a long day at school. But does it really have to be Mom who always gets the worst of it? 

Our listener Michelle wrote in to say:

I have been pondering something I call the "Safe Space Paradox,” or why children behave so differently around their primary caregiver. I am repeatedly told by grandparents, teachers, my husband, that my children were "perfect angels" for them. And yet the minute I open the door it is a cue for my children to resume the whining, fighting, and crying. 

I understand this is because of the deep emotional connection children form with their primary caregiver. But is there any research on ways to actually improve this? Or that I can actually enjoy this precious side of my children?

In this episode, we discuss

• why kids really do save their worst behavior for us (and why we're part of the reason that can happen)
• how hard it can be to feel like the dirty hand towel for everyone's bad feelings
• strategies that work (a little) to help out-of-control kids contain their large feelings

For more on "after school restraint collapse," check out our episode "Why 5 to 8 p.m. Is The Worst: How To Handle the After-School Crankies"

Here are links to some writing on the topic that we discuss in this episode:

Lauren Cahn for Reader's Digest: Here’s Why Kids Behave So Much Worse Around Their Parents

Fern Weis for Motherly: The real reason your kids act worse for you than anyone else—and how to help

Beth Shaw for Psychology Today: When Trauma Gets Stuck in the Body

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