Episode Details

How do you keep interest in your spouse through a long term relationship? Are there things you have to do to stay interested? This question came in through our anonymous Have A Question page and I thought I’d answer it in a separate post as I think many people have similar struggles.



How do you stay interested in your spouse long term? I’m 28 and my wife is 25 and we’ve been married 3 years and have a couple kids, and its just really hard to get excited physically about sex. We’re both a little overweight. Its not my drive though, when I’m at the office every female that walks by sends my drive into orbit. Is this normal or is there something you have to do to be happily married forever?



Is this normal?  Unfortunately, yes, fairly normal.  Is it okay?  No.



That’s the problem with asking what’s “normal” in a predominantly non-Christian and sinful world.



So, first off, as someone in our supporters’ forum said, there’s a big difference between the biblical concept of love and what our society says love is.



Our society says love is a feeling, that feelings can’t be controlled, and that you ultimately have to “follow your heart”.  In other words: you are controlled by your emotions, which you can’t change.



The Biblical concept of love is completely different.  We are to master our emotions, use them to guide, but not control us.  We are to control them.  As well, love is not an emotion, but a choice.  We choose to love, who to love, and how we love them.  Most marriage vows include the promise to love.  



So, we don’t have to be slaves to our emotions or attractions.  We can choose to love and who to love.  And when that happens, you find that physical appearance has very little to do with sexual attraction. It doesn’t matter that you both are a little overweight.  This survey I did showed that about 96% of husbands and 93% of wives said they’re as attracted to or more attracted to their spouse now as when they first met.  That ranges from marriages that are weeks old to marriages that are half a century old, ones that had medical issues and some that didn’t.  Some had children, some didn’t.  It didn’t make much of a difference.  



The difference:  The choice to love.  Those that choose not to love don’t tend to stay married, or they live our their marriage in a sort of living hell.  So, what do you do.  I found this quote recently while writing a sermon that I preached a few weeks ago in my home church:



I have received a letter from your husband. I would say that there is only one thing for which a husband may lawfully separate from his wife or a wife from her husband, and that is adultery. If your dispositions are not congenial, would it not be for the glory of God for you to change these dispositions? A husband and wife should cultivate respect and affection for each other. They should guard the spirit, the words, and the actions so that nothing will be said or done to irritate or annoy. Each is to have a care for the other, doing all in their power to strengthen their mutual affection. I tell you both to seek the Lord. In love and kindness do your duty one to the other. The husband should cultivate industrious habits, doing his best to support his family. This will lead his wife to have respect for him.Ellen White, The Adventist Home, page 345



In other words,