Episode Details

If you’ve been following our blog for a while, you know we answer anonymous questions from our Have A Question page. This time, I managed to get my wife to offer her thoughts on a few of these. As well, I’ll be leveraging the opinions and suggestions of our supporters from our forum who get to mull over these questions as they come in.



So, without further intro, here are the questions:



Question 1: Gang Bangs



Is it wrong to want to add a “Gang Bang” to my bucket list?



For those who don’t know, a Gang Bang is a woman having sex with multiple men.



And, yes, it’s absolutely wrong.  It’s adultery, plain and simple. Even if your spouse is okay with it, that doesn’t make it okay.  



Check out the post Is it still adultery if you have permission? for more information.



I’d even argue that fantasizing about it is wrong, because when we give sin a foothold in our mind, we tend to start to rationalize and justify it.  Soon you’ll start to think maybe it’s not so wrong, and you may start to try and make it a reality.



Christina’s Thoughts: And you should ask yourself what is it about this activity you are drawn to?



That’s a good point. Rather than dwelling on the fantasy itself, it might be helpful to dig into the why of it. What about it is appealing? For example, it might be the idea of having so much attention put on you. Maybe it’s about having multiple erogenous zones pleasured at once, or the desire to feel overwhelmed. Maybe it’s wanting to be seen as sexually desirous.



Whatever the reason, there may be things in your own marriage you can change to meet these desires in another way.



Question 2: How to make sex not feel like an obligation to the responsive desire spouse



My husband and I are still in the newlywed phase of marriage and have been loving your blog and the resources as we’ve been figuring out how to thrive together and have a healthy sex life in our marriage. We particularly found the posts on spontaneous and responsive desire and had great conversations about since it named what we’ve been experiencing. I normally don’t want to start in on sex but after one of us orgasms I really enjoy it. I was wondering, as someone with a responsive desire, how do I continue building a thriving sex life and have an equal give and take with my husband without feeling like I’m having sex out of obligation to him when we’re in the foreplay stage?



You don’t.  I don’t think you should aim for an equal “give and take”.  People who aim for “equal” end up basing their marriages on conditional love rather than unconditional love.  You start worrying about who is giving more, and since it will never be perfectly equal, and because we tend to overvalue our own giving and our spouse’s taking, you’re setting yourself up for looking for an imbalance to be unhappy about.



Rather, just focus on the giving part from your side.  Give what you can, when you can, as often as you can. That goes for sex, or anything else.



That way you can have a thriving sex life without worrying about who is initiating more, about who is enjoying it more, about who is having more orgasms, or in the mood more often, or who responds better.  Comparisons like that will do you no good.



So, as someone with responsive desire, simply focus on what you can do.