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Unlocking the Secret to Better Communication in Marriage with Kathleen Edelman
Episode 586
“Let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” - Ephesians 5:33
Love and respect are often conveyed in the words that spouses choose to communicate. Those words can have a big impact on the marriage relationship. Kathleen Edelman joins us to discuss choosing the right words for your spouse.
Kathleen Edelman is the author of “I Said This, You Heard That: How Your Wiring Colors Your Communication.” She is certified in biblical studies and Christian Counseling Psychology and has spent over thirty years coaching clients in communication.
The Key to Healthy Communication in Marriage
Communication styles are the key to understanding one another. There's a big gray area between what we say and what our spouse hears. Each temperament speaks its own language, and we must apply it to become fluent in our spouse’s language.
Many marital conflicts appear to be about money, parenting, or household responsibilities, but at their core, they stem from miscommunication. Recognizing that your spouse’s temperament affects how they express and receive information is the first step toward reducing misunderstandings.
One of the biggest communication pitfalls is assumption—assuming that your spouse speaks and understands your language. That’s not true. We each speak our own language and must become fluent in our spouse’s language.
Another common trap is operating out of our weaknesses rather than our strengths. Ask yourself:
- “What part did I play in this miscommunication?”
- “How can I choose differently to stay in my strengths?”
Most miscommunication is not intentional, she emphasizes. Rather, it’s a result of speaking different emotional and verbal languages.
The Power of Words: Choosing to Build Up, Not Tear Down
Ephesians 4:29 reminds us:
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."
Our words hold incredible power. They can either build up or tear down our spouse. Learning to communicate in a way that blesses rather than wounds is a game changer in marriage.
Listening is a critical skill in communication, and there are three key practices for improving it:
- The Power of the Pause—Before responding, take a moment to reflect. Instead of reacting to what was said, focus on why it was said.
- Listening to Understand—Rather than formulating your response while your spouse is talking, actively listen to grasp their perspective.
- Responding, Not Reacting—Choose words carefully, ensuring they are constructive rather than defensive.
We should desire that every word that comes out of our mouths be a gift to the person we speak to.
Of course, it’s also crucial to remember that communication is more than words—it includes body language, tone, and facial expressions. Our temperament even affects how we express ourselves nonverbally. Everything you do is motivated by the design God gave you. Understanding how our spouse interprets our nonverbal cues can help avoid unnecessary misunderstandings.
Understanding Temperaments in Marriage
A significant takeaway from Kathleen’s work is the importance of understanding temperaments—both our own and our spouse’s. Kathleen’s book includes an inventory to help couples identify their temperament, which can be a game changer in communication.
Each temperament has specific needs that shape how they engage in communication:
- Yellows (Sanguine)—Need fun, people, and spontaneity. They may struggle with feeling restricted.
- Reds (Ch
Published on 10 months, 2 weeks ago