Episode Details

In-Between Relationships: Becoming Confident & Gaining Clarity (Single AF) – with Videllia and Melissa

 

Today, we have the love blogger herself, who needs no last name, Videllia on the podcast as we continue our #SingleAF series. But I also wanted my friend Melissa Seaman on the show because, while Videllia is well-versed in handling relationships, Melissa has yet to jump into the dating waters. Videllia helps to empower single women who are looking to build healthy relationships, so I thought this conversation needed to happen.

 

I wanted to know if these ladies felt pressure to be married and if so, where that pressure came from. Videllia went first, and stated that she didn’t feel pressure from family but rather the culture at large where there seems to be an over-arching focus on relationships. Melissa also feel the pressure to get married and have kids, but not from her family. She actually became enthralled in her parents’ romance story, and they served as great examples to her. They taught her to find herself in God’s big plan and to be selective in choosing a man. But she put pressure on herself after watching most of her friends and even her two younger brothers get married. Both ladies agreed that, “Even if you’re not raised to put that pressure on yourself to get married, you put pressure on yourself.”

 

Settling for Mr. Alright

One of the most detrimental things women do in between relationships is settling for who I call “Mr. Alright.” Usually, the woman is tired of waiting for “the one” (i.e. Mr. Right), so she reasons and bargains her way down to some man who meets just enough of her standards. This usually has disastrous results. Of course, no man is perfect, and you likely won’t find every single thing you’re looking for in one person, but I implore you, ladies, do not settle for Mr. Alright. Videllia asserts, “I desire marriage but my desire isn’t so high that I’m willing to settle just to say I have somebody.”

 

Waiting is hard, and you have to develop contentment.  Videllia admits that she’s not always content in her singleness.  Much like my friend Vernicia said on Episode 32 on becoming content in your singleness.

 

“It’s easier to be more selective when you’re not giving up the cookies.” -  Videllia

 

How to Put Yourself Out There Without Appearing Desperate

 

Melissa has never been in a relationship but appreciated how Vidella encouraged her to put herself out there. Videllia shared some nuggets on learning to become vocal without becoming the pursuer. This is something single women need to get good at doing. Gaining clarity and becoming confident to speak up and assert yourself in a relationship is important. But too often, women (and men, for that matter) don’t speak up out of fear of rejection and fear of being hurt. Videllia talked about how we don’t always deal with the hurt, but instead mask it. We know that doesn’t work in the long term, but sadly, many people still do it.

Toward the end of the episode, I led Videllia in giving Melissa a mini-coaching session on what Melissa deemed her problem with the “Friend Zone.”

 

The Friend Zone

 

The friend zone is when two people have a friendship and one of them “catches feelings” for the other, and after sharing said feelings realize the feelings are not reciprocal. How painfully frustrating this can be. Many singles experience this after they have been a loyal and attentive friend to someone who just isn’t interested in the same way. I liked how Videllia encouraged Melissa to not fall into the role of a girlfriend for someone who’s just your friend.

 

Notable Moments Along Our Conversation:

[6:30]: The pressure singles feel from others to get married

[9:14]: Taking your time to make sure y