Episode Details

One of Lisa's clients spent forty-four thousand dollars on a single court motion. Later, representing himself, he settled the same kind of fight in mediation for eleven hundred. Rebecca Stern, a divorce mediator, says that gap is the whole argument for staying out of court, especially when your case is high-conflict.

Rebecca Stern is a divorce and family mediator who works with people across the country over Zoom, in amicable cases and in high-conflict ones. She also builds parenting plans for families whose children have special education needs, and she works as a parenting coordinator, the person who helps parents actually implement a plan when it starts to break down. She joins Lisa to make the case that the harder the conflict, the more you have to gain from mediating it.

Rebecca explains how she runs a session: short, two-hour meetings so no one is worn down into a bad decision, joint when possible and fully private when there's intimidation or a power imbalance, which she levels by educating the person who has been kept away from the money behind the scenes. She always starts with the children before touching finances, and she builds a parenting plan detailed enough to function as an instruction manual, the kind a courtroom will never produce. And she walks through the emotional skill underneath it all: tactical empathy, and reframing a fight so the problem, not the other parent, becomes the thing to solve.

She names the people who make things worse without meaning to, the loving family and friends who become negative advocates, and why they belong in your support system, not your negotiation. She explains why a kitchen-table agreement usually lacks teeth, the provisions for when you disagree later, when someone stops complying, when a move or college arrives, and why a professional catches what you would miss. Her last piece of advice is the one people resist most: take care of yourself, because a steadier you makes a better agreement. Rebecca works nationally and can be reached through her website.

As always, this is strategic education, not legal or mental-health advice for your specific situation.

🎓 What you'll learn

• Why high-conflict cases can gain more from mediation, not less
• Why a judge's vague parenting order is the top reason people end up back in court
• How a mediated parenting plan can read like an instruction manual, down to a child's needs
• How private caucuses level a power imbalance so you're heard without bracing for a reaction
• The reframe that moves a stuck negotiation: make the problem, not the person, the thing to solve
• Why loving family and friends can become "negative advocates," and where they actually belong
• Why a do-it-yourself agreement usually lacks the teeth a professional would add
• Why filing starts a clock, and how mediation keeps control out of a judge's hands

⏱️ Chapters
0:00 Intro
1:00 Why high-conflict cases need mediation most
3:00 What mediation actually is, and how Rebecca runs it
7:00 Attorneys and experts in mediation, and how long it takes
13:00 Filing, the clock, and the cost gap with court
17:00 Start with the parenting plan, then the money
19:00 A parenting plan that reads like an instruction manual
25:00 Tactical empathy and universal agreements
29:00 When mediation won't work, and leveling a power imbalance
31:00 Negative advocates: when family makes it worse
35:00 Give your agreement teeth, and take care of yourself

Keep going 💜
Book a free 30-minute discovery call and we'll help you map your next steps: https://beentheregotout.com/call
📘 Been There Got Out: Toxic Relationships, High-Conflict Divorce, and How to Stay Sane Under Insane Circumstances — https://www.amazon.com/dp/194627495X
📘 Been There Got Out: When Your Ex Turns the Kids Against You (ou