Episode Details

Okay. So this episode we're going to talk about my wrestling with the fear of public speaking for my whole life. And in the next episode, we're gonna talk about how I cured it. So I'll say that, uh, I just gave a talk at full-stack at UW. I just literally got back off the plane last night and it went really well, and I wasn't scared at all.

And. It was just like kind of a milestone for me. It went, the talk went really well. I delivered it smoothly. I was not nervous for the days leading up. The months leading up, the weeks leading up, I was a little bit nervous the day before and a little bit nervous the morning of, but I don't know if that will ever go away.

Um, like I had breakfast that morning and I was the first speaker. So that kind of. Demonstrates my level of anxiety, like I could eat and I mingled with people and just hung out and whatever. I was very comfortable and I, I think I did really well and I, I don't know, it was everything I wanted it to be.

And for me it was a milestone in my career or my self, my life, myself as a person, self thing. I don't know, it was just, it was a milestone. It felt really good and I want to talk about it so. This episode, we're going to talk about, uh, my history with public speaking, so maybe you can identify with some of the things that I've gone through.

And then next episode, like I said, we'll talk about how I cured it. Duh, duh, duh. So the history, my first experience, public speaking, I was probably six years old and I was in a play and a little Catholic school. Called, uh, the Velveteen rabbit. You probably familiar and I was the doctor and I was supposed to deliver a line and I, this was all, this is like early memory stuff, you know, those really foggy early life memories.

This is in that bank. And the only reason that I remember it is because it was traumatizing. I had one line to deliver. I practiced it a ton. And. Uh, when it came time for me to deliver it, I stared out into the audience and I totally blanked. And I was a deer in the headlights. And after a little bit I realized, I have to say something or I'm ruining this play.

So I said, it's funny, I still remember the exact words. I said, uh, when we get to the hospital, they'll know what to do. Which was just some words I pulled out in my back pocket. I think it made sense and I actually think I patched up the job pretty well for however old I was, but I don't know.

It's pretty much it's scarred me. And, uh, it was the worst case scenario. Um, fast forward freshman year of high school, I was giving a presentation to the, uh, to my classmates. I was intimidated by them. I was new to the school, didn't have a ton of friends, and. Head to get this like book presentation.

I was very nervous and when I got up, this is, this is the, this is the thing. Everybody fears my tongue went completely dry. My mouth was so dry. Oh my gosh. I will almost like would gag on my, my mouth. Like there was no moisture. I was shaking. Uh, my hands was shaking, my foot was shaking, and I started to get like tunnel vision.

Like it was just the worst thing in the world. It was mortifying. And I was standing there knowing this was happening to me, thinking everybody is, is witnessing me. Crumble, like literally crumble and they're going to, they're going to hate me. They're, you know, all this stuff is just mortifying.

So that happened. I lived, you know, nobody hated me. It was fine. But. Still, it was your worst fear. Um, so I, I'd given other little speeches, well, not speeches, but I had done all the little things like for church, maybe like a, uh, reading or maybe even some little sermon, stuff like that.

Um, so I did a, uh, the reading stuff, I would breathe heavily in between words. Like I would be so nervous and I would read and I would know that like, Oh my gosh, like I have to take a fricking breath between every word. Because I, I'm nervous, you know,