Episode Details

In 1967, the Rolling Stones were instructed to sing "Let's spend some time together" on the Ed Sullivan show, because the actual lyrics ("Let's spend the night together") were deemed too risque for network television.

And so when you watch a video of the performance, you’ll hear them clearly articulate the sanitized lyrics.

While it’s true that Jagger and bassist Bill Wyman engaged in hilarious and impressively acrobatic eye rolling every time the line passed their lips, they most definitely sang “Let’s spend some time together.”

Yet for decades afterwards, Jagger would insist that he and his bandmates had deliberately mumbled the lyrics as an act of protest.

I can so relate.

Not to being a rock star sex symbol.

Editor’s note: great instance of the obligatory touch of self-aware humility.

But to looking back on my past self with embarrassment and even a touch of shame.

“I Can’t Believe I Did That”

It’s commonplace to regret our actions. And not just when we 25. I can replay last week and cringe at things I said and didn’t say; at things I did, and didn’t do.

I recall moments of cowardice, utter cluelessness, and downright mean-spiritedness.

Editor’s note: easy, boy. This is a newsletter, not a confessional.

And there’s something poignant and quite useful about coming to grips with our shortcomings. Without awareness, there’s no possibility for change.

And yet — wallowing in guilt or shame is like touching a hot stove and keeping your hand there.

“Why are you burning your palm?”

“So I really learn my lesson this time.”

Aversion can kick off a change process, but it can’t sustain it. As Richard Boyatzis points out in his book The Science of Change, sustainable transformation requires what he calls PEA: Positive Emotional Attraction.

And one of the qualities of PEA is a nervous system tilted toward the parasympathetic —what Boyatzis calls the “renewal” circuit — rather than the sympathetic, which you may recognize as the source of “fight or flight” energy.

If you’re criticizing yourself, your mind codes that as an attack. Doesn’t matter that it’s thoughts and words rather than sticks and stones. Doesn’t matter that it’s coming from inside the house rather than from the outside. (Watch any horror movie if you don’t think that “inside the house” isn’t the most effing terrifying prospect.)

And under attack, your mind activates the sympathetic nervous system, which is all about protection and prevention. In other words, you turtle up — emotionally and often physically (shoulders hunched, head forward, neck tight, eyes and jaw clenched).

In that state, meaningful positive change is impossible.

Looking Back with Compassion

So what’s the alternative to getting down on yourself for your past shortcomings?

Self-compassion.

That doesn’t mean giving yourself a free pass.

Instead, it means recognizing that you were doing what you thought you needed in order to get through a particular experience.

And by “you” in “what you thought,” I’m not talking about your conscious mind. I’m talking about the deep inner programming that you constructed to stay alive and as safe as possible when you were young.

I know you don’t want to excuse any prior bad behavior with psychobabble. But that’s not what this is.

Rather, it’s exploring those hidden forces that compromised your aspirations for your best self so they come into the light of awareness.

As long as they remain inaccessible to your conscious mind, they ru