Episode Details

I gotta go watch bad girls club, just to find that comedian that looks straight like a Boov.

I was almost entirely sure they had to have based that animated cartoon off of that guy.

I knew what i was looking at, I just couldn't think of the name.

I took one look at that dude and thought.

“Oh dude, you must be a comedian.”

You couldn't be anything else.

…maybe a writer.

__

On that note.

JLo is literally the most beautiful person ive ever seen in my life–

Like, up close.

You would think its just camera magic, and all that.

No. Its the truth.

She really looks like that.

I used to do background work;

You know, like a paid audience

I hated it, but it was work.

I fucking hated it.

Those studios are always cold,

Effin freezing.

They pay you to fake smile,

fake cheer,

Fake laugh–

Applause.

I thought I was going to clap my hands off.

So I took this job not knowing what it was–

Usually it's that way.

They don't tell you what it is, because

some failing, out-of-work actors

are also super fans:

Imagine that.

And they're going to go tell all their friends about it,

And it's a conflict of interest,

yada -yada–

But also, there are people there who PAY to see the show,

Cause they're like die-hard fans;

And you're not supposed to ruin it for them, or whatever–

So the whole thing is just

Altogether a bad job.

But anyway,

I take this job,

And the highlight, I guess, of this particular job,

Is that I get to be front and center

To Jennifer Lopez, who I find out,

Is a judge on this show–

“Highlight” meaning

“Just kill me.”

I'm like all the other out-of-work actors

In this paid audience gig, like,

“JLO” was what I was initially aiming for

With my career;

This is where I am.

So I'm like

‘Oh lord here it goes',

And they bring her out–

Cause you know,

She's like an actual,

Like a great-big star,

They have to ‘bring her out'

and in all my life I could not have guessed

That her face–

Is actually her face.

I'm astonished.

She just looks like that.

Great scott.

Everybody talks about JLo

And the whole damn thing about JLo

Is always her butt,

But i'm not worried about that–

that's chump change,

Because this is Hollywood, California

On some fucking backlot somewhere

And I can't get over the fact

That she might be the only celebrity

To look like herself,

In person.

I became a fan that day.

Not particularly of JLo–

But her parents.

Genetics is real.

How in the fuck do you look like that?

You're like 106!

I'm mad as hell at my parents, and they did *alright*.

But the older I realize, and the less time I have,

I have realized, I give a fuck about selective breeding.

At this point, i'm like,

“shit , i could have been alright without the trauma and homogonized corn syrup packed into everything and shoved down my throat!”

I could have done without that.

That did not sit well with me,

Or in my gut.

But now, i'm thinking about my future kids like,

“yo...I got no business wasting my time with these scraggly ass motherfuckers…”

“...no more broke motherfuckers…”

“No more lazy, sleeping through the alarm ten times, always whining motherfuckers…”