Episode Details

Collapse is a stress response, not a character flaw. That distinction runs through this whole conversation, because in the middle of a family court case the collapsed parent gets read as unmotivated by everyone around them, including the professionals who are supposed to be on their side.

Dr. Yael Dubin trained and practiced as a psychiatrist before her former spouse went after her medical license, years after their divorce was already final. She surrendered it, moved into work that suited her better, and spent years absorbing the harassment that followed. She now coaches, and she works from Internal Family Systems. She is direct with Lisa about the fact that she did all of this without a coach of her own, and about how long it took her to want a marriage again afterward.

The framework she teaches here is the window of tolerance, a one-to-ten scale of your own physiology. The low end is shutdown: flat energy, no attention span, forgetting things, unable to take information in. The high end is agitation and fight or flight. The middle is where you are present, connected, and capable of making a decision you can live with. Yael's argument is that everyone moves across that scale, that it is what bodies are designed to do, and that the goal is widening the middle rather than never leaving it.

She and Lisa go through what widens it. A daily practice, with her caveat about trauma-informed approaches for anyone whose trauma was physical. Co-regulation, which she says works over video as well as in person, and finding people who steady you without needing the whole story. Managing your own feed, because a diet of other people's disastrous outcomes is its own stressor. She also explains what Internal Family Systems calls self energy, and why she treats the frightened reactions as parts of a person rather than the whole of them. The last third is about children: what they pick up nonverbally, why what looks like a child turning against you can be that child's own survival response, and what to say to a kid who asks if you are okay.

As always, this is strategic education, not legal or mental-health advice for your specific situation.

🎓 What you'll learn

• What the window of tolerance is, and how one to ten maps onto your own body
• Why shutdown gets mistaken for laziness by lawyers, friends, and family
• How both collapse and agitation can be used against a parent in family court
• Why relaxation practice is the answer at both ends of the scale, not only the high end
• Co-regulation: finding people you settle around, without having to tell the story
• Why your social media feed and what you watch belong in a stress plan
• Self energy and parts: treating the frightened reaction as one piece of you
• What to say to a child who asks if you are okay, without involving the other parent

⏱️ Chapters
0:00 Intro
1:00 Yael's own case, and the Been There Got Out club
5:00 What the window of tolerance is, from one to ten
7:00 Collapse: what shutdown looks like, and why people read it as lazy
11:00 Widening the window instead of waiting for less stress
15:00 Daily practice, and "Olympic level torture"
19:00 Find your tribe: how people co-regulate each other
22:00 Your feed, mirror neurons, and what you take in
25:00 Self energy, parts, and where your strength lives
28:00 What your kids read off you, and what they need from you
34:00 The same scary text, handled from inside the window
41:00 When your ex goes at the kids, and trusting your gut

Keep going 💜
Book a free 30-minute discovery call and we'll help you map your next steps: https://beentheregotout.com/call
📘 Been There Got Out: Toxic Relationships, High-Conflict Divorce, and How to Stay Sane Under Insane Circumstances — https://www.amazon.com/dp/194627495X
📘 Been There Got Out: When