Episode Details

Almost no state requires a family court judge to be trained in domestic violence, even though it walks through their courtroom every day. Stephanie, a New York domestic violence attorney, says that single gap explains most of what feels broken about family court.

Stephanie is a domestic violence attorney in New York who represents survivors in family court, and she has built a large online following explaining, in plain terms, how the system really operates. She went to law school for criminal defense and gender and sexuality work, landed in family law almost by accident, and found it was exactly where she wanted to fight. She joins Lisa for the first of two conversations about the myths people carry into family court and the realities that meet them there.

Stephanie explains why leading with the abuse done to you can backfire, and why the stronger case centers on what the children witnessed. She debunks the fear of false allegations, which are far less common than people assume and, in family court, are usually the abuser's move to manufacture a mutual case and push a settlement. She walks through the myth of your day in court and the procedural reason a judge cannot rule on your claims before trial. And she reads a courtroom out loud: the judge's eye-roll, the strategic choice not to answer every allegation, the moment a judge turns to look at your client and you know they are finally listening.

On the practical side, she covers why joint legal custody is the norm and what pattern actually shifts it, why an attorney for the child can carry more weight than either parent, and how to build credibility through dated documentation with the latest incident first. She closes on where to find a domestic violence attorney when you think you cannot afford or find one.

As always, this is strategic education, not legal or mental-health advice for your specific situation.

🎓 What you'll learn

• Why "my day in court" is a myth, and why a judge can't treat your claims as true before trial
• Why judges often miss abuse, and the training gap that actually explains it
• Why leading with the abuse done to you can backfire, and centering the child instead
• The truth about how rare false allegations are, and who usually files them in family court
• How "split the difference" settlements can reward the person who broke an order
• How to build credibility: dated documentation, latest incident first
• Why joint legal custody is the norm, and the pattern that can shift it
• Why an attorney for the child can matter more than anything a parent says

⏱️ Chapters
0:00 Intro
1:00 How Stephanie ended up fighting for abuse survivors
5:00 Why judges miss abuse: the training gap
9:00 Why claiming abuse can cost you custody
13:00 The truth about false allegations
17:00 How 'split the difference' punishes the target
19:00 The day-in-court myth, and reading a judge
23:00 Legal vs. physical custody, and what shifts it
31:00 Building a credible case, latest incident first
35:00 Domestic violence, alimony, and paying your abuser
39:00 The attorney for the child, and finding a DV lawyer

Keep going 💜
Book a free 30-minute discovery call and we'll help you map your next steps: https://beentheregotout.com/call
📘 Been There Got Out: Toxic Relationships, High-Conflict Divorce, and How to Stay Sane Under Insane Circumstances — https://www.amazon.com/dp/194627495X
📘 Been There Got Out: When Your Ex Turns the Kids Against You (our parental-alienation book) — https://www.amazon.com/dp/1967674183
🔗 Stephanie on TikTok (@steph_ny_law): https://www.tiktok.com/@steph_ny_law
🔗 Stephanie on Instagram (@steph_ny_law): https://www.instagram.com/steph_ny_law/

🎧 More with Stephanie on this podcast
Ep 35: When Family Court Won't Enforce Its Ow