Episode Details

The professionals assigned to a child in a custody case are supposed to be the ones who hear the truth. Frequently they are the last people a child will tell. Marnie Grundman says the reason usually sits in one of two places: what the child is being told at home about what happens if they talk, or something the professional said in the first five minutes that put them, in the child's reading of it, on the other side.

Marnie Grundman is a Canadian therapist, speaker, and author who specializes in healing from narcissistic family systems. She survived one. She began running away from home at five, was living on the streets by thirteen, and raised herself from there. She wrote a book about it more than a decade ago, which turned into a career: advocating for kids who end up on the street, working with adult survivors of child abuse, and teaching people how to navigate low contact and no contact with a family that will not change. She was a working sculptor for thirty years before any of this.

In this episode, Marnie and Lisa go through the practical moves that give a child room to speak, and the ones that shut them down. Then they turn to the parent's side of it. Marnie makes the case against bubble-wrapping: a child who is never allowed to feel what happened cannot process it, and cannot build any judgment about it. Her replacement is questions, what do you mean by that and how does that make you feel, asked when a child checks in about something the other parent said.

They also cover the reason defending yourself hands the other parent exactly what they wanted, the difference between reacting and responding, loving an adult child from a distance while keeping the door open, and how EMDR moves a memory from the part of the brain that is stuck reliving it to the part that can put it in context.

As always, this is strategic education, not legal or mental-health advice for your specific situation.

🎓 What you'll learn

• The two reasons a child goes silent in front of a guardian ad litem or therapist
• The line professionals use that tells a child they have taken the abusive parent's side
• How to give a child control so they can talk: eye level, permission, and writing it down
• The one neutral question a parent can ask that is not coaching and is not leading
• Why bubble-wrapping a child stops them from processing what actually happened
• Reacting vs responding when your child repeats something your ex said about you
• Loving an adult child from a distance when they have stopped speaking to you
• What EMDR does with a memory that never got processed, and what changes after

⏱️ Chapters
0:00 Intro
1:00 Welcome, and Marnie's story: running away, the streets, the work now
11:00 The question: a child who talks to a parent but not the professionals
13:00 Threats at home, and professionals who side with the abuser by accident
17:00 Giving a child control: eye level, permission, and writing it down
21:00 Learned helplessness, and when telling someone changes nothing
25:00 Bubble-wrap parenting, and why a child needs to feel it
28:00 Reacting vs responding when your child repeats what your ex said
31:00 Adult children who pulled away, and loving from a distance
42:00 Kids raised without a voice, and open-ended questions
50:00 EMDR: what it is, and what actually moves

Keep going 💜
Book a free 30-minute discovery call and we'll help you map your next steps: https://beentheregotout.com/call
📘 Been There Got Out: Toxic Relationships, High-Conflict Divorce, and How to Stay Sane Under Insane Circumstances — https://www.amazon.com/dp/194627495X
📘 Been There Got Out: When Your Ex Turns the Kids Against You (our parental-alienation book) — https://www.amazon.com/dp/1967674183
🔗 Marnie Grundman at Marnie Speaks: https://marniespeaks.