Episode Details

David and Rhonda begin with two emails (among many) from listeners asking for more help on the problem of social anxiety.

Email from "Margaret:"

Hi David,

How do you distinguish a personality disorder - say, for example, Avoidant Personality Disorder, from "just" (and I don't mean that in a derogatory way) being depressed and anxious?

I ask because I have a strong suspicion that I may be suffering from Avoidant Personality Disorder, and I think if you knew my history you would probably agree that there are strong signs (I have been having problems from my early childhood until now, and I am 30 years old now).

Also, a further question – is it possible to have severe anxiety without feeling like the confrontation with the thing you're afraid of means you're going to die? I have isolated myself completely, and I have no social life in any sense of the word – my only real contact with the outside world is through my job, because it is a necessity for living. But it's not because I think I'm going to die if I hang around people – I just very strongly dislike it and 'shut down' or 'freeze' due to all the thoughts in my head about being negatively judged and watched, so I prefer to avoid contact with people, and in situations where I'm forced to endure it, I'll usually find ways to 'avoid' or escape the situation.

There are many ways I do this – since I was very young I've had the habit of purposely looking annoyed, so that people would not approach me, even though I secretly wish they would (oh, the paradox..), and at work I will often be listening to music with earphones – both because the music calms my anxiety, and because it makes me appear less 'available' to other people.

In situations where I cannot escape crowds – say, in the canteen during my lunch break - I'll sit by myself, as far away from everyone else as I can, and leave as soon as I have taken the last bite of my food. In college I would often hide in the bathroom by myself during breaks, or I would avoid interpersonal contact in some other way. And so on and so forth. These are just a few examples – I could give you a million others.

I am aware of my own behavioral patterns but still feel powerless to change them. It's like being an observer, observing yourself committing the same mistakes over and over, but with an anxiety so strong that rationality alone is not enough to change the behavior. After 30 years of this, it's getting old. I have never felt any other way, so I cannot fathom what it means to lead a normal life.

I have never had a friend in any usual sense of the term, and I literally never spend time with anyone in my spare time except for my parents. As a consequence, I have never learned or understood how to make friends, and I have never been in an intimate relationship, or taken part in any of the social activities that are normal to other people (parties, school dances, etc.) The simplest things are rocket science to me. So, I'm interested to know when a person crosses over from "simply" being depressed or anxious into having a personality disorder.

If you use any of this for a future episode I am fine with that - you can even quote me directly. But I only ask that you please don't use my real name as to not jeopardize my job and so on. Thank you. 🙂

Kind regards,

Margaret

David explains that there is no such thing as "Avoidant Personal